One day at a time

When one chooses to change their lifestyle, there is good and bad involved.

The bad? Sometimes, it feels like a loss of self. Even though I know that the real "me" hasn't gone anywhere, it takes a while to reconcile the change of "environment" with that self. "Environment" doesn't necessarily mean a change in location. For me, it meant a change in my perspective, my goals, and, yes, some of my relationships.

You see, I was living the bdsm lifestyle. Over approximately a decade of active involvement in the bdsm life, I discovered that I couldn't find a way to integrate the two different parts of my life........the vanilla part and the bdsm part. I have children, other family, and a career. I am also a submissive, but without a partner. In some ways, it felt like I was chasing a dream that wasn't ever going to come true. I even had the typical webpage that described my journey. (www.angelfire.com/journal/smilingdancer1)

One big problem was that I always presented myself to others in the bdsm life as my actual self. I didn't try to hide who I was or what made me tick. That was the reason that I was only interested in real life partners, not internet "Doms". Unfortunately, that wasn't true for most others. In an effort to protect themselves and their lives, many in the bdsm lifestyle hide behind a persona. That persona allows them to pretend to be what they wish they were. The end result is very often emotional unavailability to their partners.

This issue is rarely addressed in bdsm circles. Instead, the myth of caring dominants and submissives is perpetuated. I realize that there are a precious few that find a way to incorporate bdsm into their lives, but what I saw was lots and lots of chasing from partner to partner. This chase happened because everyone wanted the "dream". I found that the dream was probably better characterized as an addiction.

The initial attraction, the demand for total vulnerability from the submissive, and a supposed commitment all lead to much greater hurt when the relationship doesn't work than in the vanilla world. Add to this mix the endorphin rush that accompanies the application of pain and an addiction is begun. In my case, the addiction for this type of lifestyle lasted for 10 years and ended in several failed relationships. I have to say that the hurt in these failures was much worse than a failed vanilla relationship.

I don't know if I will ever find that type of relationship. At this point, I am not looking and I am no longer participating in the bdsm lifestyle. Someone once told me that with great risk can come great reward. That is true. However, the downside is that with great risk can come even greater pain and heartache. Because of that, I have chosen to retire from my addiction.

The good? Freedom from anxiety. The recovery of "self". No more living in fear of being "discovered" by the vanilla part of my world. Giving myself permission to live for ME instead of centering my existance on my owner. Peace.

Do I miss being active in my addiction? Yes, most definitely. I developed some wonderful friendships that are hard to maintain now, since I don't live the way they do anymore. I tasted the dark side of myself and it was irresistable. I sometimes crave it, the way that any addict craves their poison of choice.

But........

For now, and perhaps forever, I had to step away from my addiction. It was destroying me.

Dancer