You would think, after all these years, that I would have come to accept that there are things that I both love and hate, at the same time.
Pain is one of those things. Even though I am a masochist, it doesn't mean that being severely paddled, spanked, or beaten doesn't hurt. Yes, it hurts, a lot! But I also get severely turned on by it. And depending on the severity of the pain, I may process it by cursing or even complaining. All while getting more and more sexually aroused. It is as if my body betrays me and there is not one thing I can do about.
I realize that this may present a dilemma for the dominant. If he administers a beating in a scene, and I inform him, through gritted teeth, that he is an evil son of a bitch, does he take that to mean I need to stop? Or does he continue? If I yell "ouch" or "that hurts, damn it", how does he handle it? That may be in addition to general cussing and swearing at him all the while. Oh, and don't forget the complaining!
For informational purposes, I don't generally curse in every day conversation. I also don't normally insult a dominant that I am serving. The very idea of it is highly embarrassing to me. I don't consider myself a brat and don't do bratty things to get attention. Odd as it may seem, from a submissive that will play in public dungeons, I'd rather not be the center of attention in a group of people.
Unfortunately, that is how I process the pain. I hate it at the time because it hurts, damn it! But, I keep coming back for more. I curse, occasionally dodge, and may insult the poor dominant having to deal with me. My traditional southern lady of a mother would be positively horrified at my bad manners. But, BUT, I still end up back in place, waiting for the next strike.
Loving it and hating it at the same time and desperately hoping that no one notices the wet running down my leg, indicating my total lack of self-control.
Dazed and confused from a weekend of playing,
Melonie
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Understanding
“Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you.” - Anaïs Nin
When I read this, it was like being shocked with a strong jolt of electricity, and not the good kind! It's like this person opened my head, looked in my brain, and copied what they saw there. I have realized lately that, even when I'm naked and being wonderfully beaten, I'm still hiding. Hiding all those parts inside that 1) others may not like, 2) show my insecurities, 3) reveal my flaws, and 4) would give away that I'm not nearly as strong as I pretend to be.
When someone begins to understand me to that depth, its not only shocking, it is down right scary. It is so much easier to just rock along, living on the surface and perhaps just below it, keeping the "scary stuff" deeply hidden. But, I have to wonder what good stuff I may be missing by doing that.
One thing in the above quote that I don't relate to is being "utterly lonely". I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have also discovered that pursuing a relationship only for the sake of relieving loneliness is just a form of neediness. It is the quickest way I know of to suck the life out of the whole relationship.
The "exposure" the author is describing is the part that speaks to me. What a God-awful feeling, to realize that you have nothing hidden, that everything is there for the other person to see, know, and understand about you. And what an absolutely euphoric feeling to know that they accept you in spite of that understanding.
When I read this, it was like being shocked with a strong jolt of electricity, and not the good kind! It's like this person opened my head, looked in my brain, and copied what they saw there. I have realized lately that, even when I'm naked and being wonderfully beaten, I'm still hiding. Hiding all those parts inside that 1) others may not like, 2) show my insecurities, 3) reveal my flaws, and 4) would give away that I'm not nearly as strong as I pretend to be.
When someone begins to understand me to that depth, its not only shocking, it is down right scary. It is so much easier to just rock along, living on the surface and perhaps just below it, keeping the "scary stuff" deeply hidden. But, I have to wonder what good stuff I may be missing by doing that.
One thing in the above quote that I don't relate to is being "utterly lonely". I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have also discovered that pursuing a relationship only for the sake of relieving loneliness is just a form of neediness. It is the quickest way I know of to suck the life out of the whole relationship.
The "exposure" the author is describing is the part that speaks to me. What a God-awful feeling, to realize that you have nothing hidden, that everything is there for the other person to see, know, and understand about you. And what an absolutely euphoric feeling to know that they accept you in spite of that understanding.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Hard parts
Most of mine and T's time has been spent privately. We have played at a bdsm function once. Well, at least, until this weekend.
I am one of the leaders of a local bdsm group. We schedule monthly demos and usually provide space for people to play afterward. Since the other leaders were out of town, the demo group met at my house. In addition, the presenter asked that I be the bottom for the demo. So, in addition to the stress of hosting, I was also a tad nervous about the upcoming demo. It was also the first time that most folks had seen T and I as a "couple" so I wasn't exactly certain about what behavior he expected of me.
To say I was anxious would be an understatement. I'm also having some issues with maintaining the emotional distance needed to stay inside the boundaries we have set for this relationship. It is getting harder to keep in mind that we are friends, nothing more. So, I was all set up for a nice emotional melt-down.
The demo, the dinner, everything went well, I thought. T stayed after everyone left and soon told me to "present", which is my signal that we are moving to stricter protocol. Before beginning to play, he shared some concerns about my behavior during the previous couple of hours. Rather than taking it in the way he intended, I was crushed. I tried to keep my hurt feelings to myself, but after only a few strikes with the flogger, he stopped. He said that I was not reacting the way I usually did and that we had to discuss that before, or if, continuing.
That had to be the hardest discussion the two of us have had. It was not fun! However, after talking, we seemed to reach an understanding about each other's feelings related to how the evening had gone. I had no idea whether we would play or not. We did end up playing, but I still don't know if he played because he felt like he should or if he did it to help me get past being upset or if he just couldn't resist the opportunity. It was different for me in that I couldn't help but hold back a little.
Of course, he realized that, too. I swear, the man has to be psychic.
We have already planned to attend one of the regional "Cons" in April and I am very excited. This weekend, he is also taking me to a play party hosted by a bdsm group he is a member of. Yes, I'm a little nervous. There will be subs there that I know want to play with him. It's a little intimidating.
Ok, self, quit worrying, quit obsessing, just RELAX, for goodness sake! Find some emotional distance and just have fun! Enjoy it while it lasts.
Melonie
I am one of the leaders of a local bdsm group. We schedule monthly demos and usually provide space for people to play afterward. Since the other leaders were out of town, the demo group met at my house. In addition, the presenter asked that I be the bottom for the demo. So, in addition to the stress of hosting, I was also a tad nervous about the upcoming demo. It was also the first time that most folks had seen T and I as a "couple" so I wasn't exactly certain about what behavior he expected of me.
To say I was anxious would be an understatement. I'm also having some issues with maintaining the emotional distance needed to stay inside the boundaries we have set for this relationship. It is getting harder to keep in mind that we are friends, nothing more. So, I was all set up for a nice emotional melt-down.
The demo, the dinner, everything went well, I thought. T stayed after everyone left and soon told me to "present", which is my signal that we are moving to stricter protocol. Before beginning to play, he shared some concerns about my behavior during the previous couple of hours. Rather than taking it in the way he intended, I was crushed. I tried to keep my hurt feelings to myself, but after only a few strikes with the flogger, he stopped. He said that I was not reacting the way I usually did and that we had to discuss that before, or if, continuing.
That had to be the hardest discussion the two of us have had. It was not fun! However, after talking, we seemed to reach an understanding about each other's feelings related to how the evening had gone. I had no idea whether we would play or not. We did end up playing, but I still don't know if he played because he felt like he should or if he did it to help me get past being upset or if he just couldn't resist the opportunity. It was different for me in that I couldn't help but hold back a little.
Of course, he realized that, too. I swear, the man has to be psychic.
We have already planned to attend one of the regional "Cons" in April and I am very excited. This weekend, he is also taking me to a play party hosted by a bdsm group he is a member of. Yes, I'm a little nervous. There will be subs there that I know want to play with him. It's a little intimidating.
Ok, self, quit worrying, quit obsessing, just RELAX, for goodness sake! Find some emotional distance and just have fun! Enjoy it while it lasts.
Melonie
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Setting boundaries
One of the first discussions that T and I had was about what we both wanted from our time together. This was the beginning of how we established the boundaries for our relationship. The unsettling part is that we have managed to push those boundaries in just a few short weeks.
One of T's first statements to me was that he was unable to be anyone's full-time dominant at the present time. I'm not quite sure if why that is. But, regardless of the reason, that is how he feels and that should be respected. To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for a full-time Dominant myself. So, we agreed to be play partners, with a little d/s thrown in.
He wants me to refer to him as Sir all the time, including outside the play arena. He does not want me asking permission for mundane details outside the play time. In other words, the protocol when we aren't playing is very relaxed. However, protocol when we are playing is not relaxed. That doesn't mean we can't joke and tease when playing. But, we are more picky. Example? I do have to ask or wait for permission for most things while we are playing. I don't generally approach him, but wait until he instructs me as to what he wants. I suppose the best way to describe it is that we have a definite set of rituals that are an indication that a play session, or scene, is beginning or ending. Everything between that beginning and ending is a much more structured protocol.
I mentioned at the beginning that we are already bumping up against those boundaries. We both acknowledge that things have progressed much more rapidly than either of us expected. We play multiple time a week now, simply because we both enjoy it so much. We don't spend lots of time on the phone or online. We prefer spending actual "face-time" with each other. We just can't seem to keep from playing almost every time we are together. Part of our time is also spent in long conversations. We have become great friends!
I must admit that it is becoming more difficult to maintain the boundaries. I remind myself frequently that we are not exclusive. We both even discuss interests we have in playing with others, even though it hasn't happened yet. I also remind myself that he still has feelings for previous partners and that even though we seem very compatible, there are also some very important differences that would be hard to overcome in a more commited relationship.
All those reminders fly out the window when the swirl of brain chemicals take over. He pushes me harder and further than anyone ever has. He kisses and cuddles divinely. And he never, ever, gives up control when we play. Ever.
For now, I am just trying to hang on for the ride.
Melonie
One of T's first statements to me was that he was unable to be anyone's full-time dominant at the present time. I'm not quite sure if why that is. But, regardless of the reason, that is how he feels and that should be respected. To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for a full-time Dominant myself. So, we agreed to be play partners, with a little d/s thrown in.
He wants me to refer to him as Sir all the time, including outside the play arena. He does not want me asking permission for mundane details outside the play time. In other words, the protocol when we aren't playing is very relaxed. However, protocol when we are playing is not relaxed. That doesn't mean we can't joke and tease when playing. But, we are more picky. Example? I do have to ask or wait for permission for most things while we are playing. I don't generally approach him, but wait until he instructs me as to what he wants. I suppose the best way to describe it is that we have a definite set of rituals that are an indication that a play session, or scene, is beginning or ending. Everything between that beginning and ending is a much more structured protocol.
I mentioned at the beginning that we are already bumping up against those boundaries. We both acknowledge that things have progressed much more rapidly than either of us expected. We play multiple time a week now, simply because we both enjoy it so much. We don't spend lots of time on the phone or online. We prefer spending actual "face-time" with each other. We just can't seem to keep from playing almost every time we are together. Part of our time is also spent in long conversations. We have become great friends!
I must admit that it is becoming more difficult to maintain the boundaries. I remind myself frequently that we are not exclusive. We both even discuss interests we have in playing with others, even though it hasn't happened yet. I also remind myself that he still has feelings for previous partners and that even though we seem very compatible, there are also some very important differences that would be hard to overcome in a more commited relationship.
All those reminders fly out the window when the swirl of brain chemicals take over. He pushes me harder and further than anyone ever has. He kisses and cuddles divinely. And he never, ever, gives up control when we play. Ever.
For now, I am just trying to hang on for the ride.
Melonie
Monday, January 16, 2012
The approach
What a novel idea! Actually meeting someone in person for the first time, instead of meeting online the first time! I'd almost forgotten what that was like. Not only that, but learning about each other with friends first. It's amazing how much easier trust is when it happens that way.
T is much newer to our local bdsm community than I am. He is the strong, silent type. He would laugh at me saying that, but it is true. So, he quietly attended functions and gatherings. I am definitely NOT the silent type. We became familar with each other.
In November, a couple in our community had a re-commitment ceremony on their ten year anniversary. Since I sang at their original ceremony, they asked that I sing again. It took place at a dungeon in a nearby town. T attended and made sure to find me afterward to compliment me on my singing.
Later, I was in the kitchen area, looking for snacks and water. T came into the kitchen and we greeted one another. I was completely clueless as to what he had in mind, but I was about to find out. He sat down in one of the available chairs, patted the one beside him, and said, "Come sit down."
It was that simple. I was jolted. His expectation of compliance, his quiet dominance, and his gentlemanly manner overwhelmed me. It was as if he never even entertained the idea that I would refuse. He had an invisible string and was pulling me in. I sat down and we chatted for a few moments. He then, in a very straightforward manner, simply said that he would like to discuss playing with me.
To say I stuttered would be a gross understatement.
To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I said. I only remember being surprised, very surprised that he wanted to play with me. T would be able to tell you what I said, for I have found that the man has the memory of an elephant. I honestly believe he remembers every word I've ever spoken in his presence, even if it was to someone else.
Since this was the week before Thanksgiving, we realized that it may be a while before we could schedule a time to get together. We spent time together for the remaider of the evening. I was still uncertain exactly what he had in mind. However, I have learned to bide my time and see if people actually follow through with discussions.
Imagine my delight to open my email to find a message from him immediately after Thanksgiving, inviting me to dinner! Another suprise! He actually wanted to spend time with me other than in a play session. So, we met for a wonderful dinner and conversation. We also agreed on a time and place for our first play session.
Since then, we have played at least once a week and many times twice a week. We also watch movies, eat out, and just hang out together. I am having a wonderful time!
Thanks, T, Sir!
Melonie
T is much newer to our local bdsm community than I am. He is the strong, silent type. He would laugh at me saying that, but it is true. So, he quietly attended functions and gatherings. I am definitely NOT the silent type. We became familar with each other.
In November, a couple in our community had a re-commitment ceremony on their ten year anniversary. Since I sang at their original ceremony, they asked that I sing again. It took place at a dungeon in a nearby town. T attended and made sure to find me afterward to compliment me on my singing.
Later, I was in the kitchen area, looking for snacks and water. T came into the kitchen and we greeted one another. I was completely clueless as to what he had in mind, but I was about to find out. He sat down in one of the available chairs, patted the one beside him, and said, "Come sit down."
It was that simple. I was jolted. His expectation of compliance, his quiet dominance, and his gentlemanly manner overwhelmed me. It was as if he never even entertained the idea that I would refuse. He had an invisible string and was pulling me in. I sat down and we chatted for a few moments. He then, in a very straightforward manner, simply said that he would like to discuss playing with me.
To say I stuttered would be a gross understatement.
To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I said. I only remember being surprised, very surprised that he wanted to play with me. T would be able to tell you what I said, for I have found that the man has the memory of an elephant. I honestly believe he remembers every word I've ever spoken in his presence, even if it was to someone else.
Since this was the week before Thanksgiving, we realized that it may be a while before we could schedule a time to get together. We spent time together for the remaider of the evening. I was still uncertain exactly what he had in mind. However, I have learned to bide my time and see if people actually follow through with discussions.
Imagine my delight to open my email to find a message from him immediately after Thanksgiving, inviting me to dinner! Another suprise! He actually wanted to spend time with me other than in a play session. So, we met for a wonderful dinner and conversation. We also agreed on a time and place for our first play session.
Since then, we have played at least once a week and many times twice a week. We also watch movies, eat out, and just hang out together. I am having a wonderful time!
Thanks, T, Sir!
Melonie
Whoaaa! Long time, no see!
I suppose busy-ness could be an excuse for being missing in action. But, even I have to admit that an absence of over 2 years is a little extreme. I even forgot my log in information and had to jump through several hoops to retrieve it.
Things are good :-)
I read back over my prior posts, which extend back numerous years. Oh my, how life has progressed and changed!
First of all, the ex-Master and I have managed to work our way to a very nice friendship. There is no play, sex, or M/s involved. He has a girlfriend and I have a play partner. We are very comfortable with each other. It's actually very nice and certainly about time since things ended 5 or 6 years ago.
I am also comfortable within the local bdsm community. The horrible depression that clouded my world for decades is long gone. I no longer feel the desparate loneliness and sense of unfulfillment I once felt.
As I said, things are good!
At the moment, I'm experiencing the pleasant soreness that follows an intense session of playing :-) Recently, I have begun playing with a wonderful Dominant. I must admit that I am amazed. I have actually found someone that pushes me to the point of wanting to stop. That NEVER happens. In addition, we play very frequently, which never happened with previous Dominants or with the ex-Master. I am loving this!
I suppose I am just living in the moment now. I don't look for a care-taker. I don't look for permanence. I don't look for commitment. I don't look for a Dominant. I'm not quite sure exactly what the relationship is that I have with T. And that is ok. He is in charge during play, while I am along for the ride. We are not exclusive and even discuss the interest we have in others. So, I don't have a label for T and I, which is also ok.
I will say more in later posts. Enough for now.
I'm back :-)
Melonie
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