1. The act of submitting; the act of yielding to power or authority; surrender of the person and power to the control or government of another; obedience; compliance.
2. the condition of having submitted to control by someone or something else
3. the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness
No matter which dictionary one consults, none of them ever address HOW that condition of submission is produced. I suppose it could be forced, which would result in involuntary slavery. However, in this thing that we do, submission is consentual, even if it is unpleasant.
"Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect."
Now, how does THAT fit into the previous definitions? I can say that this more closely approaches what submission means to me. Perhaps, that is why I don't automatically feel the need to be submissive to everyone who appears to be dominant. Yes, I'm a southern female, so I will say "Sir" and "Ma'am" because I was raised to do that to show politeness and respect. However, that doesn't mean I'm being submissive (at least in my mind).
To me, the three key words in the statement above are 1) relationship, 2) love, and 3) respect. When I am in a relationship based on mutual love and respect, the natural way that I show that is by submissiveness. It is what feels right to me and how I am happy in a relationship.
Please notice that does NOT address pain, kinkiness, etc. Although those things are delicious, those in themselves are not what submission is all about. At least, for me!
Melonie
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Party
Recently, I got to attend the first dungeon party since returning to the bdsm lifestyle. I didn't realize how much I had missed it. Although I didn't actively participate while there, it was so nice just being there and sensing the energy in the place. The warmth and friendliness was almost overwhelming. I'm so glad that I went!
I'm not sure when I'll be ready to actually participate in a scene, whether public or private. Perhaps, when I find someone that I feel comfortable enough with, it will happen. It's almost scary, because it's been so long.
It amazes me that I have been in this lifestyle for so long, yet have so little variety of experience. Example: I've never been on a St. Andrews cross even though I've been around them for years. I can remember doing any sort of rope bondage only twice. I'm not even sure what all I would be interested in simply because of lack of opportunity.
Shame on you, former Doms!!!
Melonie
I'm not sure when I'll be ready to actually participate in a scene, whether public or private. Perhaps, when I find someone that I feel comfortable enough with, it will happen. It's almost scary, because it's been so long.
It amazes me that I have been in this lifestyle for so long, yet have so little variety of experience. Example: I've never been on a St. Andrews cross even though I've been around them for years. I can remember doing any sort of rope bondage only twice. I'm not even sure what all I would be interested in simply because of lack of opportunity.
Shame on you, former Doms!!!
Melonie
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Being my own Dom
One of the things that I have learned about myself is that I can't kick my own butt very easily. My leg just won't reach around that far.
There is one particular area of my life where I truly feel the need for someone to take control and micromanage me. That area is my health, specifically where my weight is concerned.
When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I was able to control my weight fairly well. It wasn't easy and baby weight seemed to take forever to lose. I am under 5 feet tall, so even a very small weight gain showed. I was also hard on my own self-image because I was a gymnast in high school and college and had the body to show for it. Now, I realize that my size in my 20's & 30's was just fine and my doctor never seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary.
The only issues seemed to be hormone-related weight gain. The two time periods that I took birth control pills, I had IMMEDIATE weight gain of approximately 15 pounds. In both cases, I did finally lose it, but it was over the course of years. However, in my 40's, all that began to change.
Little by little, weight began to creep on, even with exercise and diet. My self-image suffered tremendously as a result. Yo-yo dieting began. Nothing seemed to work. In addition, I had reached the age where the single men my age seemed to be attracted to younger women, both for their youth and for their leanness. Needless to say, this greatly exacerbated the depression that I had suffered for years.
The final straw was the knowledge that my dominant at the time wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. Now, keep in mind that I wasn't greatly overweight. No doctor had ever once said that I needed to lose weight. I wasn't classified as obese and my general health was fine. It was my mental health that was suffering. Eventually, the dominant and I parted ways.
As luck would have it, my hormones went haywire right around the time I turned 50. Suddenly, I gained 20 pounds in just a few months. My diet wasn't that different than previously. I was not exercising, so I know that was an issue. No diet made a dent. None of my clothes fit. My self esteem is taking a beating. But, the most troubling part is that my blood pressure has risen to the top of the normal range and my cholesterol is sky high.
I know that I could do more, such as exercise. Losing weight would have to help alleviate some of the blood pressure and cholesterol issues. It would save money on having to buy larger size clothes. AND, I would feel more attractive.
The kicker is........why can't all of that be motivation enough? Why do I feel that I need someone to control that for me?
Melonie
There is one particular area of my life where I truly feel the need for someone to take control and micromanage me. That area is my health, specifically where my weight is concerned.
When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I was able to control my weight fairly well. It wasn't easy and baby weight seemed to take forever to lose. I am under 5 feet tall, so even a very small weight gain showed. I was also hard on my own self-image because I was a gymnast in high school and college and had the body to show for it. Now, I realize that my size in my 20's & 30's was just fine and my doctor never seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary.
The only issues seemed to be hormone-related weight gain. The two time periods that I took birth control pills, I had IMMEDIATE weight gain of approximately 15 pounds. In both cases, I did finally lose it, but it was over the course of years. However, in my 40's, all that began to change.
Little by little, weight began to creep on, even with exercise and diet. My self-image suffered tremendously as a result. Yo-yo dieting began. Nothing seemed to work. In addition, I had reached the age where the single men my age seemed to be attracted to younger women, both for their youth and for their leanness. Needless to say, this greatly exacerbated the depression that I had suffered for years.
The final straw was the knowledge that my dominant at the time wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. Now, keep in mind that I wasn't greatly overweight. No doctor had ever once said that I needed to lose weight. I wasn't classified as obese and my general health was fine. It was my mental health that was suffering. Eventually, the dominant and I parted ways.
As luck would have it, my hormones went haywire right around the time I turned 50. Suddenly, I gained 20 pounds in just a few months. My diet wasn't that different than previously. I was not exercising, so I know that was an issue. No diet made a dent. None of my clothes fit. My self esteem is taking a beating. But, the most troubling part is that my blood pressure has risen to the top of the normal range and my cholesterol is sky high.
I know that I could do more, such as exercise. Losing weight would have to help alleviate some of the blood pressure and cholesterol issues. It would save money on having to buy larger size clothes. AND, I would feel more attractive.
The kicker is........why can't all of that be motivation enough? Why do I feel that I need someone to control that for me?
Melonie
Monday, February 9, 2009
Recovery
For many years, most of my adult life, I knew that something was wrong. I just didn't know what. I knew that I grew up with a dad that had unrealistically high expectations, almost cruelly high, and as a result, I grew up as a perfectionist. You know, the "if I just work hard enough, and don't make mistakes, I'll get love" thingee. As I grew into an adult, I carried those perspectives with me into grown-up relationships. This left me with the internal attitude that I wasn't quite good enough.
The predictable outcome of years of that internal attitude was severe depression as an adult. Oh, I didn't recognize it. In my family, one never admitted to any sort of mental issues. After all, that would be admitting imperfection. It took a five-year span where my 12-year marriage fell apart, remarriage too soon, another baby, another divorce, surgery due to a cancer scare, major job change, and a catastrophic car accident all happened to finally get a depression diagnosis by a doctor. The added financial collapse for all that just compounded the depression.
What was my solution? Well, I couldn't afford the drugs, so I looked for a relationship. When that didn't work, I turned to alcohol and food. After all, you didn't have to pay for a doctor visit or have to have a prescription for alcohol or food. Is it any wonder that relationships didn't work????? The only thing that kept me sane (sort of) was my kids. You see, the drive for perfection never left, it was just in a stupor. So, I still needed to take care of my kids so that I was appearing to be successful at SOMETHING.
Today, in hindsight, I can see that the best thing that happened to me was the collapse of my last relationship. I don't deny that it was probably more painful than my 2 divorces. I had opened myself up and become more vunerable to my master than I had ever done with a husband. So, the pain was awful. However, in order to survive, I HAD to face my demons. I had to deal with the underlying depression.
After 2 & 1/2 years of intensive work, I can honestly say that the depression is gone. YEAAAAA ME!!!! And with the disappearance of the depression, the need for the alcohol and the need for a relationship for validation disappeared also. It doesn't mean that I don't get lonely. Now, however, I am not depressed and I don't turn to some sort of self-medication to deal with it. The things I'm still working on are the perfectionism (which can be channeled in a positive way) and the food. I don't use food as a crutch anymore, but the results of using it that way in the past (weight gain) are still with me.
The final analysis is that I am a happy, sane (usually :)) individual.
Recovery is WONDERFUL!!!!!
Melonie
The predictable outcome of years of that internal attitude was severe depression as an adult. Oh, I didn't recognize it. In my family, one never admitted to any sort of mental issues. After all, that would be admitting imperfection. It took a five-year span where my 12-year marriage fell apart, remarriage too soon, another baby, another divorce, surgery due to a cancer scare, major job change, and a catastrophic car accident all happened to finally get a depression diagnosis by a doctor. The added financial collapse for all that just compounded the depression.
What was my solution? Well, I couldn't afford the drugs, so I looked for a relationship. When that didn't work, I turned to alcohol and food. After all, you didn't have to pay for a doctor visit or have to have a prescription for alcohol or food. Is it any wonder that relationships didn't work????? The only thing that kept me sane (sort of) was my kids. You see, the drive for perfection never left, it was just in a stupor. So, I still needed to take care of my kids so that I was appearing to be successful at SOMETHING.
Today, in hindsight, I can see that the best thing that happened to me was the collapse of my last relationship. I don't deny that it was probably more painful than my 2 divorces. I had opened myself up and become more vunerable to my master than I had ever done with a husband. So, the pain was awful. However, in order to survive, I HAD to face my demons. I had to deal with the underlying depression.
After 2 & 1/2 years of intensive work, I can honestly say that the depression is gone. YEAAAAA ME!!!! And with the disappearance of the depression, the need for the alcohol and the need for a relationship for validation disappeared also. It doesn't mean that I don't get lonely. Now, however, I am not depressed and I don't turn to some sort of self-medication to deal with it. The things I'm still working on are the perfectionism (which can be channeled in a positive way) and the food. I don't use food as a crutch anymore, but the results of using it that way in the past (weight gain) are still with me.
The final analysis is that I am a happy, sane (usually :)) individual.
Recovery is WONDERFUL!!!!!
Melonie
Sunday, February 8, 2009
One more thing.........
Ya know, one of the things that I hated in my last D/s relationship was having to journal.
So, what in the world am I doing now?????
So, what in the world am I doing now?????
The Return
Oh, my what a lot of changes in the last couple of years!
Yes, I did walk away from the bdsm lifestyle for a season. I had to heal and re-think who I am along with what I was doing with my life. In addition, I needed to spend some time reflecting on WHO I was allowing into my life.
It has now been several years since any active participation in that lifestyle. For the life of me, I just can't help missing the friends that I made. One of the advantages of the bdsm lifestyle for me, was the freedom to be ME. One rude discovery for me was that not everyone saw it that way. For many, it was an opportunity to be someone that they were not. Unfortunately, I generally take folks at face value, so I was regularly disillusioned. How do I find a middle ground?
It was an important discovery, because I have found that I really want to try again. Try again to find a way to mesh the light and dark parts of me. Try again to balance ALL the parts, instead of denying one while focusing solely on the other. So, I know that I need to develop a better filter.
One aspect of my life that has to be included is my Christianity. Have I shocked you? Yes, I am a Christian, a very commited Christian. I don't try to force my relationship with God on anyone else. I just try to live it. So, how in the world do I integrate THAT with the needs of a submissive? If you know, please enlighten me!!!
During my sabbatical from bdsm, I worked very hard on recovering from decades-long depression. I am happy to say that I have finally overcome that particular demon. It has also helped greatly in how I see myself as a person.
I suppose the next step is to CAREFULLY begin returning to the folks that I learned to love long ago........my bdsm community. Except for the usual pretenders and wannabes, they are the most tolerant, honest people I know. I am grateful because they accept me.
My return to this particular path in my journey has begun.
Melonie (aka Dancer)
Yes, I did walk away from the bdsm lifestyle for a season. I had to heal and re-think who I am along with what I was doing with my life. In addition, I needed to spend some time reflecting on WHO I was allowing into my life.
It has now been several years since any active participation in that lifestyle. For the life of me, I just can't help missing the friends that I made. One of the advantages of the bdsm lifestyle for me, was the freedom to be ME. One rude discovery for me was that not everyone saw it that way. For many, it was an opportunity to be someone that they were not. Unfortunately, I generally take folks at face value, so I was regularly disillusioned. How do I find a middle ground?
It was an important discovery, because I have found that I really want to try again. Try again to find a way to mesh the light and dark parts of me. Try again to balance ALL the parts, instead of denying one while focusing solely on the other. So, I know that I need to develop a better filter.
One aspect of my life that has to be included is my Christianity. Have I shocked you? Yes, I am a Christian, a very commited Christian. I don't try to force my relationship with God on anyone else. I just try to live it. So, how in the world do I integrate THAT with the needs of a submissive? If you know, please enlighten me!!!
During my sabbatical from bdsm, I worked very hard on recovering from decades-long depression. I am happy to say that I have finally overcome that particular demon. It has also helped greatly in how I see myself as a person.
I suppose the next step is to CAREFULLY begin returning to the folks that I learned to love long ago........my bdsm community. Except for the usual pretenders and wannabes, they are the most tolerant, honest people I know. I am grateful because they accept me.
My return to this particular path in my journey has begun.
Melonie (aka Dancer)
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