I can't do this.
That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what my feelings are at a particular moment. It doesn't matter how good/bad it feels. It doesn't matter what we have agreed on as the boundaries.
It's just too hard.
Yes, I am becoming addicted to how he plays with me. Yes, I want to serve him. Yes, I try to talk to myself about maintaining the boundaries, or the "edges" as I call them. Yes, I know that a power exchange isn't fair.
BUT!!!
I can't give everything, with nothing held back, and total transparency.......part time. I'm not a booty call. I am willing to serve, play, and give a lot. I'm also willing to do the part-time part. However, if I am going to protect myself from hurt, I cannot be his, owned, just during play time. I cannot be totally open. The risk is too high. I have to wonder if his experience is really limited enough that he doesn't realize what he is asking.
I am the only one that can protect myself from hurt. Only a fool would be willing to give that power to someone that is only willing to deal with it part-time, or during play sessions only.
And I am not a fool.
Melonie
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Between the presents
We have a ritual that we do to set the tone when we begin a play session. He tells me to "present" and I am to kneel, adjust my posture to his specifications, and take a moment to settle myself, both mentally and physically. I also ask to serve him. It is the trigger that starts everything. We also end each session the same way, with me presenting and thanking him for allowing me to serve him. So, "between the presents" means our play sessions.
Just when I ground myself with all the reasons to put some emotional distance between us, T decides its time to rachet things up a little. He really gets it that I need the D/s. So, he has decided that we need to include more structure/rules during our play sessions, or "between the presents." I, of course, am all over that.
It began with the last session. It was extremely difficult. It is getting harder and harder for me to turn it off when we are not playing. Since we hadn't played in a couple of weeks, I was not in the "submissive" mindset very well. Things were definately "turned off". Because of that, I made lots of mistakes, which is so frustrating for me, the perfectionist.
The next day, we discussed how it went. He seems to really be getting into the control aspect and was ok with all my mistakes. His attitude is that it's ok as long as I'm trying. He made a comment that really grabbed my attention. He said that "between the presents, I own your ass. No more hiding, no hiding anything."
Oh. my. God.
Statements like that make me feel the inner-slave I thought was dead and buried start to stir. And it scares me to death. But, things are so good, so right, I can't resist him. Just like a moth with a flame, I may go down in flames, but it is worth the risk.
Just when I ground myself with all the reasons to put some emotional distance between us, T decides its time to rachet things up a little. He really gets it that I need the D/s. So, he has decided that we need to include more structure/rules during our play sessions, or "between the presents." I, of course, am all over that.
It began with the last session. It was extremely difficult. It is getting harder and harder for me to turn it off when we are not playing. Since we hadn't played in a couple of weeks, I was not in the "submissive" mindset very well. Things were definately "turned off". Because of that, I made lots of mistakes, which is so frustrating for me, the perfectionist.
The next day, we discussed how it went. He seems to really be getting into the control aspect and was ok with all my mistakes. His attitude is that it's ok as long as I'm trying. He made a comment that really grabbed my attention. He said that "between the presents, I own your ass. No more hiding, no hiding anything."
Oh. my. God.
Statements like that make me feel the inner-slave I thought was dead and buried start to stir. And it scares me to death. But, things are so good, so right, I can't resist him. Just like a moth with a flame, I may go down in flames, but it is worth the risk.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Confusion
I suppose all relationships reach a point where change feels messy. It feels like T and I are reaching that mess. After all, we have now been doing whatever this is we're doing for 3 months, several times per week.
It would probably be more productive if I look at what I need to do rather than to point fingers or complain about what I don't like. After all, my background in this thing-we-live-in is to accept that the Dominant is ultimately in charge. It also means that I don't have to always like what he decides we are going to do.
To be honest, I think that attitude sort of stuns him. You see, he is the consummate sadist first and a dominant second. I, on the other hand, am the text-book submissive first and a masochist second. So, we aren't the perfect match. That probably helps to explain some of the mess in which we occasionally find ourselves.
I approach everything from the submissive point of view, while he approaches it from the sadist viewpoint. Some people may not see a difference, but there is a subtle one. Another way to present it is that he has focused his development in the s & m arena. My development has been concentrated in the d/s area. We are now trying to find a way to meet in the middle.
As one could imagine, there are occasional communication break-downs. Those are difficult for me. I have been without a Dominant-based relationship for several years. During that time, I have gotten used to having only myself and my opinions to worry about. Now, I am trying to find those filters that I used to have. You know, the "think before you speak", the "you are reflecting on him", and the "you don't have to like it, just obey" types of filters. Oh, and don't forget the "you have to just trust sometimes" one.
So, there are several things I am finding that I HAVE to do better about.
1) Trust, trust, trust. He hasn't violated my trust a single time. I disappoint him when I lack trust.
2) Shut up, Melonie. Quit over-thinking every detail, you OCD-riddled sub. Relax and let him learn. After all, his magnificent intelligence was one of the things that attracted you, so let him figure out this Dominance thing. I'll bet he gets it without any direction from you.
3) Stop assuming that any change is a threat to what the two of you have. That is fear talking in your head.
4) Don't forget that you have established boundaries. If you don't remember that, the whole thing becomes a heart-hurt waiting to happen.
5) Appreciate the ride! Who would have ever suspected that such a heavy masochist was living inside? And he is giving you the opportunity to experience that!
Melonie
It would probably be more productive if I look at what I need to do rather than to point fingers or complain about what I don't like. After all, my background in this thing-we-live-in is to accept that the Dominant is ultimately in charge. It also means that I don't have to always like what he decides we are going to do.
To be honest, I think that attitude sort of stuns him. You see, he is the consummate sadist first and a dominant second. I, on the other hand, am the text-book submissive first and a masochist second. So, we aren't the perfect match. That probably helps to explain some of the mess in which we occasionally find ourselves.
I approach everything from the submissive point of view, while he approaches it from the sadist viewpoint. Some people may not see a difference, but there is a subtle one. Another way to present it is that he has focused his development in the s & m arena. My development has been concentrated in the d/s area. We are now trying to find a way to meet in the middle.
As one could imagine, there are occasional communication break-downs. Those are difficult for me. I have been without a Dominant-based relationship for several years. During that time, I have gotten used to having only myself and my opinions to worry about. Now, I am trying to find those filters that I used to have. You know, the "think before you speak", the "you are reflecting on him", and the "you don't have to like it, just obey" types of filters. Oh, and don't forget the "you have to just trust sometimes" one.
So, there are several things I am finding that I HAVE to do better about.
1) Trust, trust, trust. He hasn't violated my trust a single time. I disappoint him when I lack trust.
2) Shut up, Melonie. Quit over-thinking every detail, you OCD-riddled sub. Relax and let him learn. After all, his magnificent intelligence was one of the things that attracted you, so let him figure out this Dominance thing. I'll bet he gets it without any direction from you.
3) Stop assuming that any change is a threat to what the two of you have. That is fear talking in your head.
4) Don't forget that you have established boundaries. If you don't remember that, the whole thing becomes a heart-hurt waiting to happen.
5) Appreciate the ride! Who would have ever suspected that such a heavy masochist was living inside? And he is giving you the opportunity to experience that!
Melonie
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Lazy weekend
What a gloriously weekend! I've spent the entire weekend in pj's. I've read, eaten, had long, hot baths, and slept, a lot. Yes, I know, no housework, no laundry. That's not so good. However, I haven't had a weekend like this in several months.
Of course, that also means that this was the first weekend since Christmas that I haven't played. I miss that. I know I've been spoiled. T decided to attend the demo/play party in another town this weekend and I wasn't included. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
In some ways, he is probably wise to do that. After all, if we spend every weekend together, we present ourselves as a "couple" to everyone else. Being exclusive would begin, whether we intended it or not.
On the other hand, I would have liked to attend the same demo/play party. I didn't go, in order to give him some space. I've decided that won't happen again. If I want to go to something, I will go, even if he and I don't go together. I absolutely refuse to get sucked into the same situation as in the past.
I also think I have been too available to him. I haven't played with anyone else since he and I began playing. We've played so often that marks never have time to heal from one session to the next. I guess I feel a little odd playing with someone with marks left from playing with someone else.
Of course, as always, I'm probably wayyyy over thinking this.
Melonie
Of course, that also means that this was the first weekend since Christmas that I haven't played. I miss that. I know I've been spoiled. T decided to attend the demo/play party in another town this weekend and I wasn't included. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
In some ways, he is probably wise to do that. After all, if we spend every weekend together, we present ourselves as a "couple" to everyone else. Being exclusive would begin, whether we intended it or not.
On the other hand, I would have liked to attend the same demo/play party. I didn't go, in order to give him some space. I've decided that won't happen again. If I want to go to something, I will go, even if he and I don't go together. I absolutely refuse to get sucked into the same situation as in the past.
I also think I have been too available to him. I haven't played with anyone else since he and I began playing. We've played so often that marks never have time to heal from one session to the next. I guess I feel a little odd playing with someone with marks left from playing with someone else.
Of course, as always, I'm probably wayyyy over thinking this.
Melonie
Friday, February 3, 2012
Balancing act
A high wire is not a comfortable place in which to exist. Yet, that is where I find myself.
I am in a relationship of sorts. But, I'm not sure what to call it. Are we dating? Are we friends that also play? Friends with benefits? What?
We aren't exclusive. We have discussed playing with others. Yes, we will if we like. Yes, we will keep each other informed if it happens. Yes, we will continue to play with each other.
So, I have a whole list of "things" I use to remind myself not to become attached. Remembering his interest in others. Re-living his reminders that we have established boundaries and have to respect them. Making suggestions to him about others he could play with. And so on.
In the meantime, I try to keep an emotional distance. I'm trying to stay on that high wire I mentioned. Because if I fall, it's a long way down and it's a really painful landing.
If only the play wasn't soooo awesome. I'm addicted!
Just put one foot carefully in front of the other, Melonie, and don't look down.
I am in a relationship of sorts. But, I'm not sure what to call it. Are we dating? Are we friends that also play? Friends with benefits? What?
We aren't exclusive. We have discussed playing with others. Yes, we will if we like. Yes, we will keep each other informed if it happens. Yes, we will continue to play with each other.
So, I have a whole list of "things" I use to remind myself not to become attached. Remembering his interest in others. Re-living his reminders that we have established boundaries and have to respect them. Making suggestions to him about others he could play with. And so on.
In the meantime, I try to keep an emotional distance. I'm trying to stay on that high wire I mentioned. Because if I fall, it's a long way down and it's a really painful landing.
If only the play wasn't soooo awesome. I'm addicted!
Just put one foot carefully in front of the other, Melonie, and don't look down.
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