Yes, I have actually survived the war. The war in my head, actually. I finally decided that I am "all in". If it means I get hurt, that is a risk I am willing to take.
Well, miracle of miracles, everything seems to be working out. The play time is better than ever. But, more importantly, we are realizing just how compatible we really are. Not just in the bdsm arena, but in vanilla life as well. We really do like spending vanilla time together.
This is even more amazing when considering some of the obstacles. The biggest one? There is a significant age difference between us. No, not him being a lot older than me. It is, in fact, the reverse. I am a lot older than him. This was a serious concern for both of us in the beginning, but we have both realized that we are old enough to be grown-ups and enjoy our differences in perspective.
A second obstacle is the difference in experience in this-thing-we-do. I have been involved with real life bdsm for going on 15 years. He, on the other hand, has less than 2 years under his belt. I would have never guessed it, but he really is new at this! At no time have I felt like I was "instructing" him.
Lastly, I identify most strongly as submissive, while he identifies most strongly as sadist. It has taken work on both our parts to bridge the differences. He fulfills that need I have for dominance, while I am learning just how much of a masochist I really am.
The bottom line is that we are willing to work at this, very hard. And it's paying off.
I know that at any time, either of us may decide that this isn't working anymore. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the ride!
Melonie
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Conflicted
I can't do this.
That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what my feelings are at a particular moment. It doesn't matter how good/bad it feels. It doesn't matter what we have agreed on as the boundaries.
It's just too hard.
Yes, I am becoming addicted to how he plays with me. Yes, I want to serve him. Yes, I try to talk to myself about maintaining the boundaries, or the "edges" as I call them. Yes, I know that a power exchange isn't fair.
BUT!!!
I can't give everything, with nothing held back, and total transparency.......part time. I'm not a booty call. I am willing to serve, play, and give a lot. I'm also willing to do the part-time part. However, if I am going to protect myself from hurt, I cannot be his, owned, just during play time. I cannot be totally open. The risk is too high. I have to wonder if his experience is really limited enough that he doesn't realize what he is asking.
I am the only one that can protect myself from hurt. Only a fool would be willing to give that power to someone that is only willing to deal with it part-time, or during play sessions only.
And I am not a fool.
Melonie
That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what my feelings are at a particular moment. It doesn't matter how good/bad it feels. It doesn't matter what we have agreed on as the boundaries.
It's just too hard.
Yes, I am becoming addicted to how he plays with me. Yes, I want to serve him. Yes, I try to talk to myself about maintaining the boundaries, or the "edges" as I call them. Yes, I know that a power exchange isn't fair.
BUT!!!
I can't give everything, with nothing held back, and total transparency.......part time. I'm not a booty call. I am willing to serve, play, and give a lot. I'm also willing to do the part-time part. However, if I am going to protect myself from hurt, I cannot be his, owned, just during play time. I cannot be totally open. The risk is too high. I have to wonder if his experience is really limited enough that he doesn't realize what he is asking.
I am the only one that can protect myself from hurt. Only a fool would be willing to give that power to someone that is only willing to deal with it part-time, or during play sessions only.
And I am not a fool.
Melonie
Monday, February 13, 2012
Between the presents
We have a ritual that we do to set the tone when we begin a play session. He tells me to "present" and I am to kneel, adjust my posture to his specifications, and take a moment to settle myself, both mentally and physically. I also ask to serve him. It is the trigger that starts everything. We also end each session the same way, with me presenting and thanking him for allowing me to serve him. So, "between the presents" means our play sessions.
Just when I ground myself with all the reasons to put some emotional distance between us, T decides its time to rachet things up a little. He really gets it that I need the D/s. So, he has decided that we need to include more structure/rules during our play sessions, or "between the presents." I, of course, am all over that.
It began with the last session. It was extremely difficult. It is getting harder and harder for me to turn it off when we are not playing. Since we hadn't played in a couple of weeks, I was not in the "submissive" mindset very well. Things were definately "turned off". Because of that, I made lots of mistakes, which is so frustrating for me, the perfectionist.
The next day, we discussed how it went. He seems to really be getting into the control aspect and was ok with all my mistakes. His attitude is that it's ok as long as I'm trying. He made a comment that really grabbed my attention. He said that "between the presents, I own your ass. No more hiding, no hiding anything."
Oh. my. God.
Statements like that make me feel the inner-slave I thought was dead and buried start to stir. And it scares me to death. But, things are so good, so right, I can't resist him. Just like a moth with a flame, I may go down in flames, but it is worth the risk.
Just when I ground myself with all the reasons to put some emotional distance between us, T decides its time to rachet things up a little. He really gets it that I need the D/s. So, he has decided that we need to include more structure/rules during our play sessions, or "between the presents." I, of course, am all over that.
It began with the last session. It was extremely difficult. It is getting harder and harder for me to turn it off when we are not playing. Since we hadn't played in a couple of weeks, I was not in the "submissive" mindset very well. Things were definately "turned off". Because of that, I made lots of mistakes, which is so frustrating for me, the perfectionist.
The next day, we discussed how it went. He seems to really be getting into the control aspect and was ok with all my mistakes. His attitude is that it's ok as long as I'm trying. He made a comment that really grabbed my attention. He said that "between the presents, I own your ass. No more hiding, no hiding anything."
Oh. my. God.
Statements like that make me feel the inner-slave I thought was dead and buried start to stir. And it scares me to death. But, things are so good, so right, I can't resist him. Just like a moth with a flame, I may go down in flames, but it is worth the risk.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Confusion
I suppose all relationships reach a point where change feels messy. It feels like T and I are reaching that mess. After all, we have now been doing whatever this is we're doing for 3 months, several times per week.
It would probably be more productive if I look at what I need to do rather than to point fingers or complain about what I don't like. After all, my background in this thing-we-live-in is to accept that the Dominant is ultimately in charge. It also means that I don't have to always like what he decides we are going to do.
To be honest, I think that attitude sort of stuns him. You see, he is the consummate sadist first and a dominant second. I, on the other hand, am the text-book submissive first and a masochist second. So, we aren't the perfect match. That probably helps to explain some of the mess in which we occasionally find ourselves.
I approach everything from the submissive point of view, while he approaches it from the sadist viewpoint. Some people may not see a difference, but there is a subtle one. Another way to present it is that he has focused his development in the s & m arena. My development has been concentrated in the d/s area. We are now trying to find a way to meet in the middle.
As one could imagine, there are occasional communication break-downs. Those are difficult for me. I have been without a Dominant-based relationship for several years. During that time, I have gotten used to having only myself and my opinions to worry about. Now, I am trying to find those filters that I used to have. You know, the "think before you speak", the "you are reflecting on him", and the "you don't have to like it, just obey" types of filters. Oh, and don't forget the "you have to just trust sometimes" one.
So, there are several things I am finding that I HAVE to do better about.
1) Trust, trust, trust. He hasn't violated my trust a single time. I disappoint him when I lack trust.
2) Shut up, Melonie. Quit over-thinking every detail, you OCD-riddled sub. Relax and let him learn. After all, his magnificent intelligence was one of the things that attracted you, so let him figure out this Dominance thing. I'll bet he gets it without any direction from you.
3) Stop assuming that any change is a threat to what the two of you have. That is fear talking in your head.
4) Don't forget that you have established boundaries. If you don't remember that, the whole thing becomes a heart-hurt waiting to happen.
5) Appreciate the ride! Who would have ever suspected that such a heavy masochist was living inside? And he is giving you the opportunity to experience that!
Melonie
It would probably be more productive if I look at what I need to do rather than to point fingers or complain about what I don't like. After all, my background in this thing-we-live-in is to accept that the Dominant is ultimately in charge. It also means that I don't have to always like what he decides we are going to do.
To be honest, I think that attitude sort of stuns him. You see, he is the consummate sadist first and a dominant second. I, on the other hand, am the text-book submissive first and a masochist second. So, we aren't the perfect match. That probably helps to explain some of the mess in which we occasionally find ourselves.
I approach everything from the submissive point of view, while he approaches it from the sadist viewpoint. Some people may not see a difference, but there is a subtle one. Another way to present it is that he has focused his development in the s & m arena. My development has been concentrated in the d/s area. We are now trying to find a way to meet in the middle.
As one could imagine, there are occasional communication break-downs. Those are difficult for me. I have been without a Dominant-based relationship for several years. During that time, I have gotten used to having only myself and my opinions to worry about. Now, I am trying to find those filters that I used to have. You know, the "think before you speak", the "you are reflecting on him", and the "you don't have to like it, just obey" types of filters. Oh, and don't forget the "you have to just trust sometimes" one.
So, there are several things I am finding that I HAVE to do better about.
1) Trust, trust, trust. He hasn't violated my trust a single time. I disappoint him when I lack trust.
2) Shut up, Melonie. Quit over-thinking every detail, you OCD-riddled sub. Relax and let him learn. After all, his magnificent intelligence was one of the things that attracted you, so let him figure out this Dominance thing. I'll bet he gets it without any direction from you.
3) Stop assuming that any change is a threat to what the two of you have. That is fear talking in your head.
4) Don't forget that you have established boundaries. If you don't remember that, the whole thing becomes a heart-hurt waiting to happen.
5) Appreciate the ride! Who would have ever suspected that such a heavy masochist was living inside? And he is giving you the opportunity to experience that!
Melonie
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Lazy weekend
What a gloriously weekend! I've spent the entire weekend in pj's. I've read, eaten, had long, hot baths, and slept, a lot. Yes, I know, no housework, no laundry. That's not so good. However, I haven't had a weekend like this in several months.
Of course, that also means that this was the first weekend since Christmas that I haven't played. I miss that. I know I've been spoiled. T decided to attend the demo/play party in another town this weekend and I wasn't included. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
In some ways, he is probably wise to do that. After all, if we spend every weekend together, we present ourselves as a "couple" to everyone else. Being exclusive would begin, whether we intended it or not.
On the other hand, I would have liked to attend the same demo/play party. I didn't go, in order to give him some space. I've decided that won't happen again. If I want to go to something, I will go, even if he and I don't go together. I absolutely refuse to get sucked into the same situation as in the past.
I also think I have been too available to him. I haven't played with anyone else since he and I began playing. We've played so often that marks never have time to heal from one session to the next. I guess I feel a little odd playing with someone with marks left from playing with someone else.
Of course, as always, I'm probably wayyyy over thinking this.
Melonie
Of course, that also means that this was the first weekend since Christmas that I haven't played. I miss that. I know I've been spoiled. T decided to attend the demo/play party in another town this weekend and I wasn't included. I'm not quite sure what to think about that.
In some ways, he is probably wise to do that. After all, if we spend every weekend together, we present ourselves as a "couple" to everyone else. Being exclusive would begin, whether we intended it or not.
On the other hand, I would have liked to attend the same demo/play party. I didn't go, in order to give him some space. I've decided that won't happen again. If I want to go to something, I will go, even if he and I don't go together. I absolutely refuse to get sucked into the same situation as in the past.
I also think I have been too available to him. I haven't played with anyone else since he and I began playing. We've played so often that marks never have time to heal from one session to the next. I guess I feel a little odd playing with someone with marks left from playing with someone else.
Of course, as always, I'm probably wayyyy over thinking this.
Melonie
Friday, February 3, 2012
Balancing act
A high wire is not a comfortable place in which to exist. Yet, that is where I find myself.
I am in a relationship of sorts. But, I'm not sure what to call it. Are we dating? Are we friends that also play? Friends with benefits? What?
We aren't exclusive. We have discussed playing with others. Yes, we will if we like. Yes, we will keep each other informed if it happens. Yes, we will continue to play with each other.
So, I have a whole list of "things" I use to remind myself not to become attached. Remembering his interest in others. Re-living his reminders that we have established boundaries and have to respect them. Making suggestions to him about others he could play with. And so on.
In the meantime, I try to keep an emotional distance. I'm trying to stay on that high wire I mentioned. Because if I fall, it's a long way down and it's a really painful landing.
If only the play wasn't soooo awesome. I'm addicted!
Just put one foot carefully in front of the other, Melonie, and don't look down.
I am in a relationship of sorts. But, I'm not sure what to call it. Are we dating? Are we friends that also play? Friends with benefits? What?
We aren't exclusive. We have discussed playing with others. Yes, we will if we like. Yes, we will keep each other informed if it happens. Yes, we will continue to play with each other.
So, I have a whole list of "things" I use to remind myself not to become attached. Remembering his interest in others. Re-living his reminders that we have established boundaries and have to respect them. Making suggestions to him about others he could play with. And so on.
In the meantime, I try to keep an emotional distance. I'm trying to stay on that high wire I mentioned. Because if I fall, it's a long way down and it's a really painful landing.
If only the play wasn't soooo awesome. I'm addicted!
Just put one foot carefully in front of the other, Melonie, and don't look down.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Love and hate
You would think, after all these years, that I would have come to accept that there are things that I both love and hate, at the same time.
Pain is one of those things. Even though I am a masochist, it doesn't mean that being severely paddled, spanked, or beaten doesn't hurt. Yes, it hurts, a lot! But I also get severely turned on by it. And depending on the severity of the pain, I may process it by cursing or even complaining. All while getting more and more sexually aroused. It is as if my body betrays me and there is not one thing I can do about.
I realize that this may present a dilemma for the dominant. If he administers a beating in a scene, and I inform him, through gritted teeth, that he is an evil son of a bitch, does he take that to mean I need to stop? Or does he continue? If I yell "ouch" or "that hurts, damn it", how does he handle it? That may be in addition to general cussing and swearing at him all the while. Oh, and don't forget the complaining!
For informational purposes, I don't generally curse in every day conversation. I also don't normally insult a dominant that I am serving. The very idea of it is highly embarrassing to me. I don't consider myself a brat and don't do bratty things to get attention. Odd as it may seem, from a submissive that will play in public dungeons, I'd rather not be the center of attention in a group of people.
Unfortunately, that is how I process the pain. I hate it at the time because it hurts, damn it! But, I keep coming back for more. I curse, occasionally dodge, and may insult the poor dominant having to deal with me. My traditional southern lady of a mother would be positively horrified at my bad manners. But, BUT, I still end up back in place, waiting for the next strike.
Loving it and hating it at the same time and desperately hoping that no one notices the wet running down my leg, indicating my total lack of self-control.
Dazed and confused from a weekend of playing,
Melonie
Pain is one of those things. Even though I am a masochist, it doesn't mean that being severely paddled, spanked, or beaten doesn't hurt. Yes, it hurts, a lot! But I also get severely turned on by it. And depending on the severity of the pain, I may process it by cursing or even complaining. All while getting more and more sexually aroused. It is as if my body betrays me and there is not one thing I can do about.
I realize that this may present a dilemma for the dominant. If he administers a beating in a scene, and I inform him, through gritted teeth, that he is an evil son of a bitch, does he take that to mean I need to stop? Or does he continue? If I yell "ouch" or "that hurts, damn it", how does he handle it? That may be in addition to general cussing and swearing at him all the while. Oh, and don't forget the complaining!
For informational purposes, I don't generally curse in every day conversation. I also don't normally insult a dominant that I am serving. The very idea of it is highly embarrassing to me. I don't consider myself a brat and don't do bratty things to get attention. Odd as it may seem, from a submissive that will play in public dungeons, I'd rather not be the center of attention in a group of people.
Unfortunately, that is how I process the pain. I hate it at the time because it hurts, damn it! But, I keep coming back for more. I curse, occasionally dodge, and may insult the poor dominant having to deal with me. My traditional southern lady of a mother would be positively horrified at my bad manners. But, BUT, I still end up back in place, waiting for the next strike.
Loving it and hating it at the same time and desperately hoping that no one notices the wet running down my leg, indicating my total lack of self-control.
Dazed and confused from a weekend of playing,
Melonie
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Understanding
“Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you.” - Anaïs Nin
When I read this, it was like being shocked with a strong jolt of electricity, and not the good kind! It's like this person opened my head, looked in my brain, and copied what they saw there. I have realized lately that, even when I'm naked and being wonderfully beaten, I'm still hiding. Hiding all those parts inside that 1) others may not like, 2) show my insecurities, 3) reveal my flaws, and 4) would give away that I'm not nearly as strong as I pretend to be.
When someone begins to understand me to that depth, its not only shocking, it is down right scary. It is so much easier to just rock along, living on the surface and perhaps just below it, keeping the "scary stuff" deeply hidden. But, I have to wonder what good stuff I may be missing by doing that.
One thing in the above quote that I don't relate to is being "utterly lonely". I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have also discovered that pursuing a relationship only for the sake of relieving loneliness is just a form of neediness. It is the quickest way I know of to suck the life out of the whole relationship.
The "exposure" the author is describing is the part that speaks to me. What a God-awful feeling, to realize that you have nothing hidden, that everything is there for the other person to see, know, and understand about you. And what an absolutely euphoric feeling to know that they accept you in spite of that understanding.
When I read this, it was like being shocked with a strong jolt of electricity, and not the good kind! It's like this person opened my head, looked in my brain, and copied what they saw there. I have realized lately that, even when I'm naked and being wonderfully beaten, I'm still hiding. Hiding all those parts inside that 1) others may not like, 2) show my insecurities, 3) reveal my flaws, and 4) would give away that I'm not nearly as strong as I pretend to be.
When someone begins to understand me to that depth, its not only shocking, it is down right scary. It is so much easier to just rock along, living on the surface and perhaps just below it, keeping the "scary stuff" deeply hidden. But, I have to wonder what good stuff I may be missing by doing that.
One thing in the above quote that I don't relate to is being "utterly lonely". I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have also discovered that pursuing a relationship only for the sake of relieving loneliness is just a form of neediness. It is the quickest way I know of to suck the life out of the whole relationship.
The "exposure" the author is describing is the part that speaks to me. What a God-awful feeling, to realize that you have nothing hidden, that everything is there for the other person to see, know, and understand about you. And what an absolutely euphoric feeling to know that they accept you in spite of that understanding.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Hard parts
Most of mine and T's time has been spent privately. We have played at a bdsm function once. Well, at least, until this weekend.
I am one of the leaders of a local bdsm group. We schedule monthly demos and usually provide space for people to play afterward. Since the other leaders were out of town, the demo group met at my house. In addition, the presenter asked that I be the bottom for the demo. So, in addition to the stress of hosting, I was also a tad nervous about the upcoming demo. It was also the first time that most folks had seen T and I as a "couple" so I wasn't exactly certain about what behavior he expected of me.
To say I was anxious would be an understatement. I'm also having some issues with maintaining the emotional distance needed to stay inside the boundaries we have set for this relationship. It is getting harder to keep in mind that we are friends, nothing more. So, I was all set up for a nice emotional melt-down.
The demo, the dinner, everything went well, I thought. T stayed after everyone left and soon told me to "present", which is my signal that we are moving to stricter protocol. Before beginning to play, he shared some concerns about my behavior during the previous couple of hours. Rather than taking it in the way he intended, I was crushed. I tried to keep my hurt feelings to myself, but after only a few strikes with the flogger, he stopped. He said that I was not reacting the way I usually did and that we had to discuss that before, or if, continuing.
That had to be the hardest discussion the two of us have had. It was not fun! However, after talking, we seemed to reach an understanding about each other's feelings related to how the evening had gone. I had no idea whether we would play or not. We did end up playing, but I still don't know if he played because he felt like he should or if he did it to help me get past being upset or if he just couldn't resist the opportunity. It was different for me in that I couldn't help but hold back a little.
Of course, he realized that, too. I swear, the man has to be psychic.
We have already planned to attend one of the regional "Cons" in April and I am very excited. This weekend, he is also taking me to a play party hosted by a bdsm group he is a member of. Yes, I'm a little nervous. There will be subs there that I know want to play with him. It's a little intimidating.
Ok, self, quit worrying, quit obsessing, just RELAX, for goodness sake! Find some emotional distance and just have fun! Enjoy it while it lasts.
Melonie
I am one of the leaders of a local bdsm group. We schedule monthly demos and usually provide space for people to play afterward. Since the other leaders were out of town, the demo group met at my house. In addition, the presenter asked that I be the bottom for the demo. So, in addition to the stress of hosting, I was also a tad nervous about the upcoming demo. It was also the first time that most folks had seen T and I as a "couple" so I wasn't exactly certain about what behavior he expected of me.
To say I was anxious would be an understatement. I'm also having some issues with maintaining the emotional distance needed to stay inside the boundaries we have set for this relationship. It is getting harder to keep in mind that we are friends, nothing more. So, I was all set up for a nice emotional melt-down.
The demo, the dinner, everything went well, I thought. T stayed after everyone left and soon told me to "present", which is my signal that we are moving to stricter protocol. Before beginning to play, he shared some concerns about my behavior during the previous couple of hours. Rather than taking it in the way he intended, I was crushed. I tried to keep my hurt feelings to myself, but after only a few strikes with the flogger, he stopped. He said that I was not reacting the way I usually did and that we had to discuss that before, or if, continuing.
That had to be the hardest discussion the two of us have had. It was not fun! However, after talking, we seemed to reach an understanding about each other's feelings related to how the evening had gone. I had no idea whether we would play or not. We did end up playing, but I still don't know if he played because he felt like he should or if he did it to help me get past being upset or if he just couldn't resist the opportunity. It was different for me in that I couldn't help but hold back a little.
Of course, he realized that, too. I swear, the man has to be psychic.
We have already planned to attend one of the regional "Cons" in April and I am very excited. This weekend, he is also taking me to a play party hosted by a bdsm group he is a member of. Yes, I'm a little nervous. There will be subs there that I know want to play with him. It's a little intimidating.
Ok, self, quit worrying, quit obsessing, just RELAX, for goodness sake! Find some emotional distance and just have fun! Enjoy it while it lasts.
Melonie
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Setting boundaries
One of the first discussions that T and I had was about what we both wanted from our time together. This was the beginning of how we established the boundaries for our relationship. The unsettling part is that we have managed to push those boundaries in just a few short weeks.
One of T's first statements to me was that he was unable to be anyone's full-time dominant at the present time. I'm not quite sure if why that is. But, regardless of the reason, that is how he feels and that should be respected. To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for a full-time Dominant myself. So, we agreed to be play partners, with a little d/s thrown in.
He wants me to refer to him as Sir all the time, including outside the play arena. He does not want me asking permission for mundane details outside the play time. In other words, the protocol when we aren't playing is very relaxed. However, protocol when we are playing is not relaxed. That doesn't mean we can't joke and tease when playing. But, we are more picky. Example? I do have to ask or wait for permission for most things while we are playing. I don't generally approach him, but wait until he instructs me as to what he wants. I suppose the best way to describe it is that we have a definite set of rituals that are an indication that a play session, or scene, is beginning or ending. Everything between that beginning and ending is a much more structured protocol.
I mentioned at the beginning that we are already bumping up against those boundaries. We both acknowledge that things have progressed much more rapidly than either of us expected. We play multiple time a week now, simply because we both enjoy it so much. We don't spend lots of time on the phone or online. We prefer spending actual "face-time" with each other. We just can't seem to keep from playing almost every time we are together. Part of our time is also spent in long conversations. We have become great friends!
I must admit that it is becoming more difficult to maintain the boundaries. I remind myself frequently that we are not exclusive. We both even discuss interests we have in playing with others, even though it hasn't happened yet. I also remind myself that he still has feelings for previous partners and that even though we seem very compatible, there are also some very important differences that would be hard to overcome in a more commited relationship.
All those reminders fly out the window when the swirl of brain chemicals take over. He pushes me harder and further than anyone ever has. He kisses and cuddles divinely. And he never, ever, gives up control when we play. Ever.
For now, I am just trying to hang on for the ride.
Melonie
One of T's first statements to me was that he was unable to be anyone's full-time dominant at the present time. I'm not quite sure if why that is. But, regardless of the reason, that is how he feels and that should be respected. To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for a full-time Dominant myself. So, we agreed to be play partners, with a little d/s thrown in.
He wants me to refer to him as Sir all the time, including outside the play arena. He does not want me asking permission for mundane details outside the play time. In other words, the protocol when we aren't playing is very relaxed. However, protocol when we are playing is not relaxed. That doesn't mean we can't joke and tease when playing. But, we are more picky. Example? I do have to ask or wait for permission for most things while we are playing. I don't generally approach him, but wait until he instructs me as to what he wants. I suppose the best way to describe it is that we have a definite set of rituals that are an indication that a play session, or scene, is beginning or ending. Everything between that beginning and ending is a much more structured protocol.
I mentioned at the beginning that we are already bumping up against those boundaries. We both acknowledge that things have progressed much more rapidly than either of us expected. We play multiple time a week now, simply because we both enjoy it so much. We don't spend lots of time on the phone or online. We prefer spending actual "face-time" with each other. We just can't seem to keep from playing almost every time we are together. Part of our time is also spent in long conversations. We have become great friends!
I must admit that it is becoming more difficult to maintain the boundaries. I remind myself frequently that we are not exclusive. We both even discuss interests we have in playing with others, even though it hasn't happened yet. I also remind myself that he still has feelings for previous partners and that even though we seem very compatible, there are also some very important differences that would be hard to overcome in a more commited relationship.
All those reminders fly out the window when the swirl of brain chemicals take over. He pushes me harder and further than anyone ever has. He kisses and cuddles divinely. And he never, ever, gives up control when we play. Ever.
For now, I am just trying to hang on for the ride.
Melonie
Monday, January 16, 2012
The approach
What a novel idea! Actually meeting someone in person for the first time, instead of meeting online the first time! I'd almost forgotten what that was like. Not only that, but learning about each other with friends first. It's amazing how much easier trust is when it happens that way.
T is much newer to our local bdsm community than I am. He is the strong, silent type. He would laugh at me saying that, but it is true. So, he quietly attended functions and gatherings. I am definitely NOT the silent type. We became familar with each other.
In November, a couple in our community had a re-commitment ceremony on their ten year anniversary. Since I sang at their original ceremony, they asked that I sing again. It took place at a dungeon in a nearby town. T attended and made sure to find me afterward to compliment me on my singing.
Later, I was in the kitchen area, looking for snacks and water. T came into the kitchen and we greeted one another. I was completely clueless as to what he had in mind, but I was about to find out. He sat down in one of the available chairs, patted the one beside him, and said, "Come sit down."
It was that simple. I was jolted. His expectation of compliance, his quiet dominance, and his gentlemanly manner overwhelmed me. It was as if he never even entertained the idea that I would refuse. He had an invisible string and was pulling me in. I sat down and we chatted for a few moments. He then, in a very straightforward manner, simply said that he would like to discuss playing with me.
To say I stuttered would be a gross understatement.
To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I said. I only remember being surprised, very surprised that he wanted to play with me. T would be able to tell you what I said, for I have found that the man has the memory of an elephant. I honestly believe he remembers every word I've ever spoken in his presence, even if it was to someone else.
Since this was the week before Thanksgiving, we realized that it may be a while before we could schedule a time to get together. We spent time together for the remaider of the evening. I was still uncertain exactly what he had in mind. However, I have learned to bide my time and see if people actually follow through with discussions.
Imagine my delight to open my email to find a message from him immediately after Thanksgiving, inviting me to dinner! Another suprise! He actually wanted to spend time with me other than in a play session. So, we met for a wonderful dinner and conversation. We also agreed on a time and place for our first play session.
Since then, we have played at least once a week and many times twice a week. We also watch movies, eat out, and just hang out together. I am having a wonderful time!
Thanks, T, Sir!
Melonie
T is much newer to our local bdsm community than I am. He is the strong, silent type. He would laugh at me saying that, but it is true. So, he quietly attended functions and gatherings. I am definitely NOT the silent type. We became familar with each other.
In November, a couple in our community had a re-commitment ceremony on their ten year anniversary. Since I sang at their original ceremony, they asked that I sing again. It took place at a dungeon in a nearby town. T attended and made sure to find me afterward to compliment me on my singing.
Later, I was in the kitchen area, looking for snacks and water. T came into the kitchen and we greeted one another. I was completely clueless as to what he had in mind, but I was about to find out. He sat down in one of the available chairs, patted the one beside him, and said, "Come sit down."
It was that simple. I was jolted. His expectation of compliance, his quiet dominance, and his gentlemanly manner overwhelmed me. It was as if he never even entertained the idea that I would refuse. He had an invisible string and was pulling me in. I sat down and we chatted for a few moments. He then, in a very straightforward manner, simply said that he would like to discuss playing with me.
To say I stuttered would be a gross understatement.
To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I said. I only remember being surprised, very surprised that he wanted to play with me. T would be able to tell you what I said, for I have found that the man has the memory of an elephant. I honestly believe he remembers every word I've ever spoken in his presence, even if it was to someone else.
Since this was the week before Thanksgiving, we realized that it may be a while before we could schedule a time to get together. We spent time together for the remaider of the evening. I was still uncertain exactly what he had in mind. However, I have learned to bide my time and see if people actually follow through with discussions.
Imagine my delight to open my email to find a message from him immediately after Thanksgiving, inviting me to dinner! Another suprise! He actually wanted to spend time with me other than in a play session. So, we met for a wonderful dinner and conversation. We also agreed on a time and place for our first play session.
Since then, we have played at least once a week and many times twice a week. We also watch movies, eat out, and just hang out together. I am having a wonderful time!
Thanks, T, Sir!
Melonie
Whoaaa! Long time, no see!
I suppose busy-ness could be an excuse for being missing in action. But, even I have to admit that an absence of over 2 years is a little extreme. I even forgot my log in information and had to jump through several hoops to retrieve it.
Things are good :-)
I read back over my prior posts, which extend back numerous years. Oh my, how life has progressed and changed!
First of all, the ex-Master and I have managed to work our way to a very nice friendship. There is no play, sex, or M/s involved. He has a girlfriend and I have a play partner. We are very comfortable with each other. It's actually very nice and certainly about time since things ended 5 or 6 years ago.
I am also comfortable within the local bdsm community. The horrible depression that clouded my world for decades is long gone. I no longer feel the desparate loneliness and sense of unfulfillment I once felt.
As I said, things are good!
At the moment, I'm experiencing the pleasant soreness that follows an intense session of playing :-) Recently, I have begun playing with a wonderful Dominant. I must admit that I am amazed. I have actually found someone that pushes me to the point of wanting to stop. That NEVER happens. In addition, we play very frequently, which never happened with previous Dominants or with the ex-Master. I am loving this!
I suppose I am just living in the moment now. I don't look for a care-taker. I don't look for permanence. I don't look for commitment. I don't look for a Dominant. I'm not quite sure exactly what the relationship is that I have with T. And that is ok. He is in charge during play, while I am along for the ride. We are not exclusive and even discuss the interest we have in others. So, I don't have a label for T and I, which is also ok.
I will say more in later posts. Enough for now.
I'm back :-)
Melonie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)