Gone too long

I can tell that my summer has been too busy when I see how long it's been since I posted here. I'm glad school has started back so that I can get some rest!

There have been a couple of interesting developments.

1) The ex-dom actually invited me to dinner when he next passes thru town. Of course, he told me it would be this past Sunday night and, as expected, no call, no message, no dinner. He hasn't changed one bit. To be honest, I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship or anything else. What I really want to do is find out why he has now decided that he wants to see me again, after over 3 years of silence. This should be interesting, if it ever happens. We'll see.

2) I've found a play partner and have glorious bruises! He is someone I've known for years and is part of the local group I'm a part of. He had moved away several years ago and then moved back during the last year. We both began participating in the local group again around the same time last year.

He recently approached me wondering if I would like to learn about rope bondage with him. Neither of us had much experience with it and both of us had expressed a desire to learn more about it. I agreed. I requested some ground rules, including that it wasn't to be a "scene", but just a trial and error session. My role was to be the "crash test dummy". He is waaayyyy younger than me and I know to be very careful to remain emotionally detached. He is a heart-hurt waiting to happen.

The first time was just as I had requested. No clothing was removed. It was strictly a "let's see if this works" type of session. But, it was so nice! He was very careful to maintain the "no sexual content" request. We both enjoyed it so much that we agreed to more the next week.

The next session, we both felt that some clothing must be removed in order to try the ties that we wanted. Eventually, we moved to scenes at local play parties. I have to say it has been absolutely wonderful! Yes, it is "scenes" now, not just "let's learn" sessions.

There seems to be an unexpected connection developing. More than scenes are happening. Lots of long phone calls. Sharing movie and dinners. Driving to find the best location to view the full moon. Meeting at the park for local concerts on summer evenings. And the scenes are unbelievable! And even with the enormous age difference, he seems to want to spend time with me, including at everyday, public venues. It doesn't seem to matter to him that others might wonder at the fact that he is so much younger than me.

There has been no discussion of a formal relationship. We are both contented with just enjoying each other's company and, of course, the playing. Lord have mercy, the playing.... We have a situation that would be very difficult to overcome if we wanted something more formal.

And he thinks I'm beautiful :)

Melonie

Obey vs. Serve

obey: to follow the commands; to conform to or comply with.
serve: to be favorable, opportune, or convenient; to be worthy of reliance or trust.

I recently read a comment where the speaker said that while others obey, he serves. It made me pause to consider what the difference might be. After considerable thought, I believe I have found a subtle difference.

The difference between obedience and service is all in the attitude. Although both may accomplish the same external action, they don't necessarily produce the same internal result.

Obedience can be demanded and given with no feelings or even with hate. Obedience is simply compliance with a command. When the command has been obeyed, it doesn't necessarily mean I feel satisfaction.

Service, however, is given with a different internal mindset. Service is what I give with the hope of pleasing the one I serve. Service doesn't require that I like or enjoy what I am doing. It does, however, produce satisfaction in knowing that I have been pleasing while performing that service. That satisfaction is why there is joy in serving.

I am expected to obey, but I am allowed to serve.

A new interest

WELL!!! That was a surprise!

The pony play, I mean.

I am a member of a couple of local bdsm groups in my area and one of them hosts a demo every month on different topics. One topic I had never seen presented was on pony play. I've only seen anyone mildly do pony play once or twice and never anything elaborate. I just haven't noticed much interest in it around my area.

A Domme and her male sub came from out of town to do the presentation. I was amazed! His pony name was "whiskey" and he was wonderful! He was so into it and it was obvious that they had spent a lot of time in training him. But, the part that was the most interesting to me was when he came out of character and answered questions about his head space during pony play. Listening to him, I became more and more intrigued.

I never play with folks I don't know. But, he was so reassuring and safe. He offered to allow myself and another interested sub to try out the equipment and give us a taste of it. He even did a little negociation, to see if I wanted to be naked. At that point, I didn't want that.

He began by blindfolding me. He talked to me and to others that were watching as he began to put the equipment on me; the coverings for my hands, the bridle, the bit in my mouth, the lead/reins. He began speaking in my ear, just for me alone. I could feel myself sinking into the pin-point of focus that happens in a scene. All the sounds and people around me began to fade away. Even as it happened, I was surprised by it. I had not expected it.

Just as a trainer does with a horse, he latched onto the bridle and pulled me into a standing position. He began to lead me around, instructing me as to my gait and speed. He even occasionally administered a little swat to keep me in line. I never heard or noticed my surroundings, just his voice.

What was the lure? the draw? It was the control. I gave it up totally. It was peaceful, knowing that I was totally in the present, just waiting and listening for the next command. No past or future to worry about. They didn't matter. All that mattered was obedience. I couldn't speak. Although I was totally clothed, he was at liberty to place his hands wherever he pleased, just as one would on a pony.

Wow!! All of that from one short scene! All I can say is, I want more!

My heart

Not that one........the one on my hip.

I have never done body modifications, except for the one hole in each ear. BUT........last fall, I was introduced to cell popping. Some of my very best friends are a local Dom and his sub/wife. He learned to do cell-popping, or micro-branding. He is very happy to allow others to be the test dolly, in order to try it out. So, I had him create a small heart on my hip.

Supposedly, it heals and fades shortly for most people. Unfortunately, or not, I have very fair skin, all over. That apparently means that those types of marks do NOT fade in a short time, if ever, for me. I had become the owner of my first permanent (semi ?) body modification.

I will be the first to say that it wasn't what could be considered a sexy scene, or even a scene at all. It was the first time I had done anything since the break-up with the former Dom, which was several years ago. I wasn't sure this was something I wanted to pursue. After all, what if a future dom didn't like a heart on my hip.

Well, after spending the last several months watching scenes and demos from the sidelines, I decided that I wasn't going to wait on the mythical dom that could be waiting in my future. What if he isn't out there? What if I've used up all my chances? Am I willing to spend the rest of my life watching and waiting? Not no, but HELL NO!!

So, I had the friend Dom go over the previous heart. Today, I have the nice warm feeling of a brand new micro-brand. It's still a heart, just on top of the old one. I'm hoping if I keep repeating it that it will eventually produce enough scar tissue to be raised higher than the surrounding skin. I think it is attractive!

And right after the fresh micro-brand, I DID get to experience something new......pony play!

I'll save that experience for the next post.

Melonie

He's just not that into you

After DAILY messages for a month, it just stopped. A couple of one-liners a week or so ago, but the last message of any substance was 2 weeks ago. That happened right after the one and only phone call. Do ya think he didn't like my southern accent, or something?? :-)

I KNEW the online, long distance thing was a mistake.

I am not low maintainance. I don't pretend to be and refuse to fake it. If I'm going to be alone, I'll be damned if I am going to give some guy his jollies online or on the phone. If he wants me, he has to earn me and he has to do it in person.

I have been told more than once that I am a great sub. That is usually right before they decide they are bored and go looking elsewhere.

I am one fine damn female! I'm also an excellent submissive. I am attractive, sexy, and intelligent. And every Dominant from my past has eventually come back, to express regret for letting me go or to see if there is a possibility of a reconnection. Nothing like realizing how good you had it after the fact.

Does that mean he just wasn't that into you but then he was????

Guys, you're making me real tired here.

Humiliation

I was asked recently why humiliation is one of my "kinks." It is really hard to explain to someone who isn't affected in the same way that I am by it. It is also hard to describe because it means something different to every person that enjoys it. So, the following is strictly my opinion and from my perspective. Another's view on humiliation may be totally different.

How does humiliation makes this submissive feel? What is her "head space" during humiliation? First of all, I should say what I think humiliation is not.

It is NOT degradation.
It is NOT destroying self-esteem.
It is NOT mental or emotional abuse.
It is NOT belittling someone.

Humiliation could probably be called embarrassment. It involves forcing one to admit or "own up to" certain things that are a turn-on.....things that society would frown on as sexist, degrading, or bad. Humiliation, for some subs, is a "freeing" experience. It allows them to admit or acknowledge that certain things cause them to become sexually aroused. It also lets them know that their partner accepts them and doesn't disapprove of them having those feelings.

When you really stop and think about it, embarrassment or humiliation causes the same physical reactions that one feels at the beginning stages of sexual arousal. Accelerated heartbeat, flushing of the skin, possibly more rapid or shallow breathing. It isn't too much of a stretch to see that the two could be connected, especially when a skillful dominant finds ways to force that connection.

To be honest, I have no idea why humiliation can be a sexual turn-on. However, I do know how it helps in other ways.

It helps the submissive to know their place. Another word for humiliation is "to humble" or to "create humility". Being humiliated, in certain ways, such as pet names ("baby girl" or "little one", etc) makes a submissive FEEL their place.

It helps them to open up, knowing that they won't be judged. Being referred to a a "bitch", "slut", etc allows them to tap into the place inside that truly wants to BE those things. With a partner who understands this, the submissive knows that when it is over, she/he won't be looked at as less than they are. They won't be given less respect as a person. The humiliation of being ordered to perform some sort of degrading act frees the sub to experience it without having to be responsible for it. After all, she/he was ordered to do it.

It helps the submissive to overcome the fears of rejection. There are some things that are difficult for the sub, because they fear rejection. They realize that some of these things are simply baggage from the past. However, humiliation lets the sub do those things, even with the embarrassment that goes with it. Example: All the sub’s life, she was taught that "playing with herself" was bad and unacceptable. So, she was never able to do that in front of a partner. It was too embarrassing to even admit that she did it, much less do it in front of someone. So, for her, being ordered to masturbate while someone watched is extremely humiliating, even though it is something that would be sexually exciting for her.

It helps the submissive to focus. When being humiliated/embarrassed, all the energy causes the submissive to feel a "rush". When that happens, all the energy causes the sub to concentrate on what is going on with their partner. It helps to shut out distractions.

When experiencing humiliation, it creates a sense of anticipation. The sub knows that, when it is over, their partner will make sure that she/he knows they were pleasing, even in a humbled state. The submissive receives a sense of satisfaction from knowing that, regardless of how embarrassed they may be, their partner is happy.

Being humiliated is the ultimate power exchange. Almost anyone can give up control of themselves physically by distancing their spirit from their body. (Example: rape victims) However, giving up control of oneself mentally or emotionally requires a much deeper surrender. Humiliation requires a surrender that is much deeper than physical surrender. It is a way to show a partner, and possibly others that may that witness whatever is going on, that a much greater shift in power has occurred. It also shows that a deep level of commitment exists between the two partners.

With all that said, I know that there is something more personal to humiliation than all that. What FEELINGS happen to the submissive during humiliation?

SATISFACTION because her partner knows her so well.
AROUSED because her partner knows her secret desires, ones that have never been admitted to anyone else.
HUMBLED because she knows her role, her place, in this thing between them.
COMFORTED because she know that she is pleasing her partner.
HAPPY because of what she shares with her partner.

This and that

WELL!!! I didn't realize it had been over a month since posting here. Life is busy this time of year.

The swine flu has arrived in our community. As a result, no school this past Thursday and Friday. As of this afternoon, my school is opening tomorrow. We have no idea if we will have to make up missed days. The teachers are always the last to know, so I'm expecting the students to tell me the latest update in the next couple of days.

I swore I wouldn't do the online or long-distance thingee again. So, I've been speaking with someone online for the last several weeks, along with a few emails. We very recently moved to phone calls. I feel that I've been very cautious. No meetings have been discussed at this point in time.

There is one thing about which I'm a little concerned. I invited him to call me and gave him my cell phone number. However, both times he has called me, his number has been blocked. Red flag???? In addition, after daily contact for several weeks, he has suddenly backed off to just one short message in the last 3 days.

I am DETERMINED that I won't chase him.

Sigh........(rant coming on). I want to be open and honest. I try to be as forthcoming as requested. However, if a relationship is to develop, there has to be more discussion than just what two people have in common, sexually. Yes, if bdsm is a consuming interest of one, then it is very important to establish whether that is also of interest to the other. But, it can't stop with that, unless only sexual contact is the goal. I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. Until I learn more about a person than just their sexual interests, everything will remain at a dead standstill. I'm not going down that road again, especially not with someone who doesn't trust me enough to allow me to see their phone number when they know mine.

Melonie

Nine qualities of a gentleman

I have been accused of being too picky. That my standards are too high. I've been asked what it is that I'm looking for in a man, or in a Dominant, or in a mate. I've also been told that I shouldn't expect to find one that will fulfill all three positions.

I have given it much thought. I believe that character is the same, no matter which arena I choose to look, whether it be as a man, as a Dominant, or as a mate. I was once asked to make a piece of art that stated the nine qualities of a gentleman as stated by Confucius. After pondering them, I believe that he was right. So, those are the qualities that I seek. And if I do not ever find them, then I am happy with my on company.

Those qualities are:

1. When observing, see clearly.

2. When listening, to hear distinctly.

3. In his expression, to be open to knowledge and understanding.

4. In his attitude, to be deferential.

5. In his speech, to be loyal.

6. In his duty, to be respectful.

7. When in doubt, to be questioning.

8. When angered, to deliberate on the consequences of anger.

9. When having gained an advantage, to consider whether it is appropriate and fair.

Does such a person actually exist? A true gentleman?

Melonie

Discoveries

When one decides to explore a part of themselves, it can sometimes be joyful and sometimes not. As I think back over the last 10+ years, I realize that I have learned a lot of truths during this journey of self discovery. Some have given me the strength to continue, while others have greatly saddened me. I suppose the most important thing to remember is that I need to apply these lessons learned. Oh, and also that even an old broad can learn a lot!

On this journey, I have discovered:

that giving up control doesn't mean giving up my brain.

that I can't make someone love me. And, if they don't, I am still a valuable person.

that trust and respect have to be earned, not demanded or expected, both by me and by others.

that the trust that took so long to build, can be destroyed in an instant.

that it isn't WHAT I have, but WHO I am that really counts.

that being dishonest is really just cheating myself.

that comparing myself to other submissives accomplishes nothing.

that what happens to me is not as important as what I do about it.

that decisions I make in an instant, good or bad, can impact the rest of my life.

that it's never too late to explore who I am.

that I really do enjoy my own company.

that it is often easier to react than to think.

that even if someone treats me badly, I am still responsible for my own actions.

that heroes are people who do what's right or necessary, even though they are afraid.

that being submissive intensifies the joy, but it also intensifies the heartache.

that money is NOT the way to keep score.

that hurting is usually the first step to healing.

that forgiving gets easier with practice.

that much of being submissive is just plain ol' good manners.

that being angry doesn't mean it's ok to be cruel.

that growing up has more to do with what you've experienced than how old you are.

that families take care of you, love you, and teach you to trust again, even if they aren't related to you.

that sometimes it's more important to forgive yourself than to be forgiven by others.

that I have something valuble to offer, no matter what the world, an abuser, or someone that's supposed to love me has to say about it.

that being submissive doesn't mean I deserve less respect.

that the world doesn't stop, no matter how badly my heart is broken.

that when I'm honest with myself, I will be more successful in life.

that "pain" is a relative term.

that obedience usually makes me happier and means less time in the corner. :)

Melonie

When the fat lady sings.....

"It isn't over till the fat lady sings!"

Is that true? How does one really know when it's over? When one has been owned, do you ever get back every piece of yourself, when it ends?

I thought every piece was back, some in shreds, but all present and accounted for.

Its especially easy to think so when the former Owner is no longer there, when there is no contact over the course of years. When the Voice is never heard, the heart doesn't race in response anymore. When there is no touch of his hand, shivers are no longer felt down the spine. When there are no commands, there is no fear of his displeasure.

And so it goes. The once-owned is lulled into a sense of complacency, convinced it is over. Enough time has passed and the searing hurt has faded into a dull soreness.

Until, out of the blue, contact is made.

Denial screams through the brain, saying "This dance is over and won't happen again." It's over.

The heart, however, laughs at the once-owned, even as the word "NO!!" springs from the lips. And the ear listens, straining for the sound of the fat lady singing.

Melonie

Submission

1. The act of submitting; the act of yielding to power or authority; surrender of the person and power to the control or government of another; obedience; compliance.

2. the condition of having submitted to control by someone or something else

3. the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness

No matter which dictionary one consults, none of them ever address HOW that condition of submission is produced. I suppose it could be forced, which would result in involuntary slavery. However, in this thing that we do, submission is consentual, even if it is unpleasant.

"Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect."

Now, how does THAT fit into the previous definitions? I can say that this more closely approaches what submission means to me. Perhaps, that is why I don't automatically feel the need to be submissive to everyone who appears to be dominant. Yes, I'm a southern female, so I will say "Sir" and "Ma'am" because I was raised to do that to show politeness and respect. However, that doesn't mean I'm being submissive (at least in my mind).

To me, the three key words in the statement above are 1) relationship, 2) love, and 3) respect. When I am in a relationship based on mutual love and respect, the natural way that I show that is by submissiveness. It is what feels right to me and how I am happy in a relationship.

Please notice that does NOT address pain, kinkiness, etc. Although those things are delicious, those in themselves are not what submission is all about. At least, for me!

Melonie

The Party

Recently, I got to attend the first dungeon party since returning to the bdsm lifestyle. I didn't realize how much I had missed it. Although I didn't actively participate while there, it was so nice just being there and sensing the energy in the place. The warmth and friendliness was almost overwhelming. I'm so glad that I went!

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to actually participate in a scene, whether public or private. Perhaps, when I find someone that I feel comfortable enough with, it will happen. It's almost scary, because it's been so long.

It amazes me that I have been in this lifestyle for so long, yet have so little variety of experience. Example: I've never been on a St. Andrews cross even though I've been around them for years. I can remember doing any sort of rope bondage only twice. I'm not even sure what all I would be interested in simply because of lack of opportunity.

Shame on you, former Doms!!!

Melonie

Being my own Dom

One of the things that I have learned about myself is that I can't kick my own butt very easily. My leg just won't reach around that far.

There is one particular area of my life where I truly feel the need for someone to take control and micromanage me. That area is my health, specifically where my weight is concerned.

When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I was able to control my weight fairly well. It wasn't easy and baby weight seemed to take forever to lose. I am under 5 feet tall, so even a very small weight gain showed. I was also hard on my own self-image because I was a gymnast in high school and college and had the body to show for it. Now, I realize that my size in my 20's & 30's was just fine and my doctor never seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary.

The only issues seemed to be hormone-related weight gain. The two time periods that I took birth control pills, I had IMMEDIATE weight gain of approximately 15 pounds. In both cases, I did finally lose it, but it was over the course of years. However, in my 40's, all that began to change.

Little by little, weight began to creep on, even with exercise and diet. My self-image suffered tremendously as a result. Yo-yo dieting began. Nothing seemed to work. In addition, I had reached the age where the single men my age seemed to be attracted to younger women, both for their youth and for their leanness. Needless to say, this greatly exacerbated the depression that I had suffered for years.

The final straw was the knowledge that my dominant at the time wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. Now, keep in mind that I wasn't greatly overweight. No doctor had ever once said that I needed to lose weight. I wasn't classified as obese and my general health was fine. It was my mental health that was suffering. Eventually, the dominant and I parted ways.

As luck would have it, my hormones went haywire right around the time I turned 50. Suddenly, I gained 20 pounds in just a few months. My diet wasn't that different than previously. I was not exercising, so I know that was an issue. No diet made a dent. None of my clothes fit. My self esteem is taking a beating. But, the most troubling part is that my blood pressure has risen to the top of the normal range and my cholesterol is sky high.

I know that I could do more, such as exercise. Losing weight would have to help alleviate some of the blood pressure and cholesterol issues. It would save money on having to buy larger size clothes. AND, I would feel more attractive.

The kicker is........why can't all of that be motivation enough? Why do I feel that I need someone to control that for me?

Melonie

Recovery

For many years, most of my adult life, I knew that something was wrong. I just didn't know what. I knew that I grew up with a dad that had unrealistically high expectations, almost cruelly high, and as a result, I grew up as a perfectionist. You know, the "if I just work hard enough, and don't make mistakes, I'll get love" thingee. As I grew into an adult, I carried those perspectives with me into grown-up relationships. This left me with the internal attitude that I wasn't quite good enough.

The predictable outcome of years of that internal attitude was severe depression as an adult. Oh, I didn't recognize it. In my family, one never admitted to any sort of mental issues. After all, that would be admitting imperfection. It took a five-year span where my 12-year marriage fell apart, remarriage too soon, another baby, another divorce, surgery due to a cancer scare, major job change, and a catastrophic car accident all happened to finally get a depression diagnosis by a doctor. The added financial collapse for all that just compounded the depression.

What was my solution? Well, I couldn't afford the drugs, so I looked for a relationship. When that didn't work, I turned to alcohol and food. After all, you didn't have to pay for a doctor visit or have to have a prescription for alcohol or food. Is it any wonder that relationships didn't work????? The only thing that kept me sane (sort of) was my kids. You see, the drive for perfection never left, it was just in a stupor. So, I still needed to take care of my kids so that I was appearing to be successful at SOMETHING.

Today, in hindsight, I can see that the best thing that happened to me was the collapse of my last relationship. I don't deny that it was probably more painful than my 2 divorces. I had opened myself up and become more vunerable to my master than I had ever done with a husband. So, the pain was awful. However, in order to survive, I HAD to face my demons. I had to deal with the underlying depression.

After 2 & 1/2 years of intensive work, I can honestly say that the depression is gone. YEAAAAA ME!!!! And with the disappearance of the depression, the need for the alcohol and the need for a relationship for validation disappeared also. It doesn't mean that I don't get lonely. Now, however, I am not depressed and I don't turn to some sort of self-medication to deal with it. The things I'm still working on are the perfectionism (which can be channeled in a positive way) and the food. I don't use food as a crutch anymore, but the results of using it that way in the past (weight gain) are still with me.

The final analysis is that I am a happy, sane (usually :)) individual.

Recovery is WONDERFUL!!!!!

Melonie

One more thing.........

Ya know, one of the things that I hated in my last D/s relationship was having to journal.

So, what in the world am I doing now?????

The Return

Oh, my what a lot of changes in the last couple of years!

Yes, I did walk away from the bdsm lifestyle for a season. I had to heal and re-think who I am along with what I was doing with my life. In addition, I needed to spend some time reflecting on WHO I was allowing into my life.

It has now been several years since any active participation in that lifestyle. For the life of me, I just can't help missing the friends that I made. One of the advantages of the bdsm lifestyle for me, was the freedom to be ME. One rude discovery for me was that not everyone saw it that way. For many, it was an opportunity to be someone that they were not. Unfortunately, I generally take folks at face value, so I was regularly disillusioned. How do I find a middle ground?

It was an important discovery, because I have found that I really want to try again. Try again to find a way to mesh the light and dark parts of me. Try again to balance ALL the parts, instead of denying one while focusing solely on the other. So, I know that I need to develop a better filter.

One aspect of my life that has to be included is my Christianity. Have I shocked you? Yes, I am a Christian, a very commited Christian. I don't try to force my relationship with God on anyone else. I just try to live it. So, how in the world do I integrate THAT with the needs of a submissive? If you know, please enlighten me!!!

During my sabbatical from bdsm, I worked very hard on recovering from decades-long depression. I am happy to say that I have finally overcome that particular demon. It has also helped greatly in how I see myself as a person.

I suppose the next step is to CAREFULLY begin returning to the folks that I learned to love long ago........my bdsm community. Except for the usual pretenders and wannabes, they are the most tolerant, honest people I know. I am grateful because they accept me.

My return to this particular path in my journey has begun.

Melonie (aka Dancer)