Being my own Dom

One of the things that I have learned about myself is that I can't kick my own butt very easily. My leg just won't reach around that far.

There is one particular area of my life where I truly feel the need for someone to take control and micromanage me. That area is my health, specifically where my weight is concerned.

When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I was able to control my weight fairly well. It wasn't easy and baby weight seemed to take forever to lose. I am under 5 feet tall, so even a very small weight gain showed. I was also hard on my own self-image because I was a gymnast in high school and college and had the body to show for it. Now, I realize that my size in my 20's & 30's was just fine and my doctor never seemed to think anything was out of the ordinary.

The only issues seemed to be hormone-related weight gain. The two time periods that I took birth control pills, I had IMMEDIATE weight gain of approximately 15 pounds. In both cases, I did finally lose it, but it was over the course of years. However, in my 40's, all that began to change.

Little by little, weight began to creep on, even with exercise and diet. My self-image suffered tremendously as a result. Yo-yo dieting began. Nothing seemed to work. In addition, I had reached the age where the single men my age seemed to be attracted to younger women, both for their youth and for their leanness. Needless to say, this greatly exacerbated the depression that I had suffered for years.

The final straw was the knowledge that my dominant at the time wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. Now, keep in mind that I wasn't greatly overweight. No doctor had ever once said that I needed to lose weight. I wasn't classified as obese and my general health was fine. It was my mental health that was suffering. Eventually, the dominant and I parted ways.

As luck would have it, my hormones went haywire right around the time I turned 50. Suddenly, I gained 20 pounds in just a few months. My diet wasn't that different than previously. I was not exercising, so I know that was an issue. No diet made a dent. None of my clothes fit. My self esteem is taking a beating. But, the most troubling part is that my blood pressure has risen to the top of the normal range and my cholesterol is sky high.

I know that I could do more, such as exercise. Losing weight would have to help alleviate some of the blood pressure and cholesterol issues. It would save money on having to buy larger size clothes. AND, I would feel more attractive.

The kicker is........why can't all of that be motivation enough? Why do I feel that I need someone to control that for me?

Melonie