Conflicted

I can't do this.

That's the bottom line.  It doesn't matter what my feelings are at a particular moment.  It doesn't matter how good/bad it feels.  It doesn't matter what we have agreed on as the boundaries.

It's just too hard.

Yes, I am becoming addicted to how he plays with me.  Yes, I want to serve him.  Yes, I try to talk to myself about maintaining the boundaries, or the "edges" as I call them.  Yes, I know that a power exchange isn't fair.

BUT!!!

I can't give everything, with nothing held back, and total transparency.......part time.  I'm not a booty call.  I am willing to serve, play, and give a lot.  I'm also willing to do the part-time part.  However, if I am going to protect myself from hurt, I cannot be his, owned, just during play time.  I cannot be totally open.  The risk is too high.  I have to wonder if his experience is really limited enough that he doesn't realize what he is asking.

I am the only one that can protect myself from hurt.  Only a fool would be willing to give that power to someone that is only willing to deal with it part-time, or during play sessions only.

And I am not a fool.

Melonie