Confusion

I suppose all relationships reach a point where change feels messy.  It feels like T and I are reaching that mess.  After all, we have now been doing whatever this is we're doing for 3 months, several times per week.

It would probably be more productive if I look at what I need to do rather than to point fingers or complain about what I don't like.  After all, my background in this thing-we-live-in is to accept that the Dominant is ultimately in charge.  It also means that I don't have to always like what he decides we are going to do.

To be honest, I think that attitude sort of stuns him.  You see, he is the consummate sadist first and a dominant second.  I, on the other hand, am the text-book submissive first and a masochist second.  So, we aren't the perfect match.  That probably helps to explain some of the mess in which we occasionally find ourselves.

I approach everything from the submissive point of view, while he approaches it from the sadist viewpoint.  Some people may not see a difference, but there is a subtle one.  Another way to present it is that he has focused his development in the s & m arena.  My development has been concentrated in the d/s area.  We are now trying to find a way to meet in the middle.

As one could imagine, there are occasional communication break-downs.  Those are difficult for me.  I have been without a Dominant-based relationship for several years.  During that time, I have gotten used to having only myself and my opinions to worry about.  Now, I am trying to find those filters that I used to have.  You know, the "think before you speak", the "you are reflecting on him", and the "you don't have to like it, just obey" types of filters.  Oh, and don't forget the "you have to just trust sometimes" one.

So, there are several things I am finding that I HAVE to do better about. 

1)  Trust, trust, trust.  He hasn't violated my trust a single time.  I disappoint him when I lack trust.

2)  Shut up, Melonie.  Quit over-thinking every detail, you OCD-riddled sub.  Relax and let him learn.  After all, his magnificent intelligence was one of the things that attracted you, so let him figure out this Dominance thing.  I'll bet he gets it without any direction from you.

3)  Stop assuming that any change is a threat to what the two of you have.  That is fear talking in your head. 

4)  Don't forget that you have established boundaries.  If you don't remember that, the whole thing becomes a heart-hurt waiting to happen.

5)  Appreciate the ride!  Who would have ever suspected that such a heavy masochist was living inside?  And he is giving you the opportunity to experience that!

Melonie