Understanding

“Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you.” - Anaïs Nin

When I read this, it was like being shocked with a strong jolt of electricity, and not the good kind! It's like this person opened my head, looked in my brain, and copied what they saw there. I have realized lately that, even when I'm naked and being wonderfully beaten, I'm still hiding. Hiding all those parts inside that 1) others may not like, 2) show my insecurities, 3) reveal my flaws, and 4) would give away that I'm not nearly as strong as I pretend to be.

When someone begins to understand me to that depth, its not only shocking, it is down right scary. It is so much easier to just rock along, living on the surface and perhaps just below it, keeping the "scary stuff" deeply hidden. But, I have to wonder what good stuff I may be missing by doing that.

One thing in the above quote that I don't relate to is being "utterly lonely". I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have also discovered that pursuing a relationship only for the sake of relieving loneliness is just a form of neediness. It is the quickest way I know of to suck the life out of the whole relationship.

The "exposure" the author is describing is the part that speaks to me. What a God-awful feeling, to realize that you have nothing hidden, that everything is there for the other person to see, know, and understand about you. And what an absolutely euphoric feeling to know that they accept you in spite of that understanding.