Hard parts

Most of mine and T's time has been spent privately. We have played at a bdsm function once. Well, at least, until this weekend.

I am one of the leaders of a local bdsm group. We schedule monthly demos and usually provide space for people to play afterward. Since the other leaders were out of town, the demo group met at my house. In addition, the presenter asked that I be the bottom for the demo. So, in addition to the stress of hosting, I was also a tad nervous about the upcoming demo. It was also the first time that most folks had seen T and I as a "couple" so I wasn't exactly certain about what behavior he expected of me.

To say I was anxious would be an understatement. I'm also having some issues with maintaining the emotional distance needed to stay inside the boundaries we have set for this relationship. It is getting harder to keep in mind that we are friends, nothing more. So, I was all set up for a nice emotional melt-down.

The demo, the dinner, everything went well, I thought. T stayed after everyone left and soon told me to "present", which is my signal that we are moving to stricter protocol. Before beginning to play, he shared some concerns about my behavior during the previous couple of hours. Rather than taking it in the way he intended, I was crushed. I tried to keep my hurt feelings to myself, but after only a few strikes with the flogger, he stopped. He said that I was not reacting the way I usually did and that we had to discuss that before, or if, continuing.

That had to be the hardest discussion the two of us have had. It was not fun! However, after talking, we seemed to reach an understanding about each other's feelings related to how the evening had gone. I had no idea whether we would play or not. We did end up playing, but I still don't know if he played because he felt like he should or if he did it to help me get past being upset or if he just couldn't resist the opportunity. It was different for me in that I couldn't help but hold back a little.

Of course, he realized that, too. I swear, the man has to be psychic.

We have already planned to attend one of the regional "Cons" in April and I am very excited. This weekend, he is also taking me to a play party hosted by a bdsm group he is a member of. Yes, I'm a little nervous. There will be subs there that I know want to play with him. It's a little intimidating.

Ok, self, quit worrying, quit obsessing, just RELAX, for goodness sake! Find some emotional distance and just have fun! Enjoy it while it lasts.

Melonie